Tit for Tat

Tit for Tat is a rather old expression that I heard a lot as a child.  I was taught it meant "If I can do it - you can do it.  If you can do it - so can I."  I don't hear it much anymore so I looked it up in the dictionary to be sure it was still around. 

Webster's defines it as "this for that: phrase used when someone pays back one wrong or injury with another."  The thesaurus listed the following words...reprisal, retribution, requital; exchange, revenge.

The thesaurus also listed "quid pro quo".  It's a Latin term meaning, "You do this for me and I'll do that for you."  It's a bargain or a contract term and is used a lot in legal documents. 

Quid pro quo should never be used in a marriage.  When you are dating be sure and find out early on if your date believes in "Quid pro quo".  I'm not talking about things like....can you wash the dishes so I can get dressed and then we'll go out.....or   I'll take this to the bank while you go in the grocery store.  Those are normal chores that people can split and share the work.

What I'm talking about are all the personal "Quid pro quo" or contracts that can muck up a marriage.  Things like "I'm a sports guy.  That's just who I am.  Get used to it."

If you find a guy like that - RUN.  What he's really saying is "I'm so selfish that all I care about is sports.  I'll try to have some kind of fake relationship with you, but if push comes to shove - I'll always want to be first and have my needs met first."

Since most guys like this are able to get away with the statement, the women that choose to love them muttle along through life always giving in to their desires.  The fat usually hits the fan when the gal has to face a major issue alone and is finally able to clearly hear the selfishness in his tone. 

How should a guy (or gal) talk about their own desires?  "I really like sports and cars.  I love to spend my spare time yelling at a football game or under the hood of some car.  But...I understand that I'm not the only important person in this relationship.  If you "really" need me, I'll always turn the TV off and listen to you."

The girl's response should be....."I know that you like to spend your time on sports and cars.  I like to spend my time sewing or doing crafts.  I'll try to schedule my craft time during your game so we can sit together.  And I promise that anytime I interrupt your fun it will be for a really good reason."

That's real compromise.  Without Tit for Tat the relationship will be one-sided and selfishly ask the other person to always do the giving. If it's okay for her to spend time with the girls - it's okay for him to spend time with the boys. If it's okay for him to spend time watching a game - it's okay for her to spend time working on crafts. If it's okay for him to spend a thousand dollars on a part for his hot rod, then it's okay for her to spend a thousand on a new couch for the den.   If it's okay for both parents to watch TV when there's work to be done - then it's okay for the kids to have a messy room and watch their favorite show....(boy that hits home, huh!)

I personally believe that Tit for Tat should be a part of everyone's personality.  I try to NEVER ask anyone to do something I wouldn't be willing to do as well.

But....no matter how great this sounds, it's still a quid pro quo and has one more step before the participants are ready for marriage. 

REAL love is not a quid pro quo situation.  REAL LOVE goes one step further by saying...."If you ever become disabled, I'll put all my desires on hold and take care of you."  Yep, if your date can't commit to a time where he or she gets "nothing" from the relationship, you are in trouble before you begin.  Real love is willing to sacrifice.  Real love says....I love you so much I'll die for you!

If the person you are dating is incapable of sacrificing everything they have for you - RUN RUN RUN....

Now that doesn't mean they hope it doesn't come to that.  I have watched other women my age take care of ailing husbands.  A dear friend of mine spent almost ten years taking care of her husband with Parkinson disease.  She helped him eat, bathe and dress.  She read to him and sang with him.  When he became totally disabled she lifted him into bed and did everything you would do for an infant.  He was helpless and her love for him sacrificed everything she was in order to give him the quality care he needed.  She didn't complain or fuss or throw him off on someone else.  Her love for him was beautiful, strong and an example to everyone around her.

Do I look at that and say, "I hope that happens so I can sacrifice myself for Ron."  Of course not.  I look at it and hope I have the same strength she has but I also beg God to protect us from that type of problem.  I also know that if Ron and I have to face that type of problem, we will do it together and we will bend to the sacrifice we are called on to make.

Marriage meant to last a lifetime involves Tit for tat and also involves sacrifice.  You simply can't have a good marriage without both components.  Be sure you find out if your date is "capable" of Tit for Tat and if he is capable of sacrifice.

God loves you,

Debbie

Previous post correction!!!

When I said,  "If you are spending most of the time talking - your dating process is worthless"  What I meant to say was...."If you are NOT spending most of the time talking - your dating process is worthless."

I've made the correction just wanted to let you know about it.

Sorry....

How can I avoid divorce?

The most important thing you can do to avoid divorce is to date properly.  Some people date for the excitement of knowing someone wants to be with you.  Others date for the "possessive" value.  "He's mine."  or "She's going to always be available."  Some people date simply because they don't want to be alone.  Others date because they think it's some kind of stamp of approval for being "cool". 

The truth is that if you don't date for the right reason - you won't be married for the right reason and your marriage will fail.

Dating includes a lot of issues and it's a precursor to how the marriage will look.  Here are a few things to consider.  Our next post will delve into these issues.

1. I've interviewed a lot of young adults and the most disturbing thing I've ever heard is, "I like a guy that's kind of bad.  I don't want a good guy."  I usually have to bite my lip when girls say it about guys or even guys say it about girls.  What they are actually saying is "I want someone bad so I don't have to be my best."  or  "I want him to be a rebel so it will prove that I'm not conforming to my parents, school etc..."  or  "I want him to look bad but treat me good."

All of these reasons are faulty.  If he's bad before you date or even while you're dating - it is guaranteed that he or she will be awful during marriage.  Whatever fault they have before marriage will multiply when you have children to think about or bills to pay.  If a guy or gal is a jerk before the marriage they will be "super" jerk after the marriage. 

And please don't even start by saying, "Well, he may treat others that way but he'll be good to me!"  Are you nuts!  People are what they are and when they get married they relax and will be even more of what they are.  It's like marriage highlights all their faults.

Your job in dating is to find the "best" person you can that fits your lifestyle and your desires.  That will cut down on arguing and fighting.

2.  "But I love him!"  What a stupid remark. DUMB DUMB AND DUMBER couldn't be more stupid that to use the "but I love him" as a reason to marry. 

Don't you ever marry for anything but love.  Love is the most important thing in a marriage.

But....love will never cover up the sins or faults of another human being.  It only makes the pain of their faults go deeper and hurt you more.  It is much better to walk away from someone you "love" than to marry them knowing that they will hurt you.  Walking away from someone you are dating will heal a lot quicker than walking away from a divorce where children and finances are devastated.

3.  Know what you "need" before you get serious.  That means you should date a lot of people.  But...date them with the goal of getting to know who they are - not getting physical.  Sure it's okay to hold their hand or give them a good night kiss.  But if you are NOT spending most of the date talking - your date process is worthless.  Ask questions....tons of questions.  Talk about their goals and dreams and where they want to be in 10 years. 

Don't just go out and eat, talk about movies and music, go to a movie and then make out.  If you do that you don't know anything about that person.  What is his faith?  What does she think about education?  Is he a sports nut and would he miss a game to visit his grandmother?  Does she like to cook or travel or ride motorcycles?  Try to find out all you can about how this person would fit your life.

Most divorces aren't over large things.  Most divorces begin with the statement, "She doesn't understand me."  Hum....that should have been the #1 thing he found out on the first date. 

More later.....Send me any questions you have. 

You can date and have a great marriage.  I've been married for 35 wonderful years and I promise it can happen to you if you know how to date.

God loves you,

Debbie

For a Better America

I hope the following articles will help you understand the value of a Christian country and a better America.  Some of these posts are funny and some are serious. All of them hopefully will cause you to think about what you can do to preserve our country.  I am a conservative and a devout Christian.  Ronald Regan summed up most of my beliefs in several of his quotes.

"Freedom is never more than one generation away from extinction. We didn't pass it to our children in the bloodstream. It must be fought for, protected, and handed on for them to do the same. "

"Freedom prospers when religion is vibrant and the rule of law under God is acknowledged. "

"If we ever forget that we are One Nation Under God, then we will be a nation gone under."

I hope the following articles will encourage you to get involved in the political process - even if it's only to stand watch against those in the political system that would destroy America.

God Bless America

Debbie

10/20/09  You can smell a skunk even before you see him
10/3/09   Glen Beck and Moms

9/21/09   I would definitely vote for Bill Cosby.

8/17/09   Words are important

8/12/09   A Hero's return home

8/12/09   It turns out I'm not that stupid

8/11/09   I'm not stupid

8/07/09   Smoke and Mirrors

8/04/09   Song for America

7/31/09  Contaminated Water in Washington

7/30/09  What's wrong - in a nutshell

7/28/09  Common sense by Glenn Beck

7/15/09  Dinner with Mr. Obama

7/13/09  Dancing over Nothing

There are many more like this.  I'll add them all as soon as possible.  Thank you for reading my blog.

God loves you,

Debbie

I would definitely vote for Bill

AMERICA NEEDS A CANDIDATE WITH THIS PLATFORM!!

I HAVE DECIDED TO BECOME A WRITE-IN CANDIDATE FOR PRESIDENT IN THE YEAR 2012..

HERE IS MY PLATFORM:

(1). Any use of the phrase: 'Press 1 for English' is immediately banned. English is the official language; speak it or wait outside of our borders until you can.

(2). We will immediately go into a two year isolationist attitude in order to straighten out the greedy big business posture in this country. America will allow NO imports, and we'll do no exports. We will use the 'Wal-Mart 's policy, 'If we ain't got it, you don't need it.' We'll make it here and sell it here!

(3).. When imports are allowed, there will be a 100% import tax on it coming in here.

(4). All retired military personnel will be required to man one of the many observation towers located on the southern border of the United States (six month tour). They will be under strict orders not to fire on SOUTHBOUND aliens.

(5). Social Security will immediately return to its original state. If you didn't put nuttin in, you ain't gettin nuttin out. Neither the President nor any other politician will be able to touch it.

(6). Welfare. -- Checks will be handed out on Fridays, at the end of the 40 hour school week, the successful completion of a urinalysis test for drugs, and passing grades.

(7). Professional Athletes -- Steroids? The FIRST time you check positive you're banned from sports ... for life.

(8). Crime - We will adopt the Turkish method, i.e., the first time you steal, you lose your right hand. There is no more 'life sentences'. If convicted of murder, you will be put to death by the same method you chose for the victim you killed: gun, knife, strangulation, etc.

(9).. One export of ours will be allowed: wheat; because the world needs to eat. However, a bushel of wheat will be the exact price of a barrel of oil.

(10). All foreign aid, using American taxpayer money, will immediately cease and the saved money will help to pay off the national debt and, ultimately, lower taxes. When disasters occur around the world, we'll ask The American People if they want to donate to a disaster fund, and each citizen can make the decision as to whether, or not, it's a worthy cause.

(11). The Pledge of Allegiance will be said every day at school and every day in Congress.

(12). The National Anthem will be played at all appropriate ceremonies, sporting events, outings, etc.

My apology is offered if I've stepped on anyone's toes ..... nevertheless......

GOD BLESS AMERICA.

Sincerely, Bill Cosby

 
 
 
 
Ha ha ha....I love it!
 
God loves you,
 
Debbie

I'm so lonely, can you help me?

Are you lonely?  Do you wish you could find your "soul mate"?  Do you wish there was some kind of road map that would lead you to a red door and behind it you would find your soul mate?

I’ve received many e-mails about dating. Many young people have taken the path of social dating and bed hopping to find their “soul mate”. They believed the lie that movies try to portray. They decided that maybe….just maybe….sex isn’t something God really cares about. Maybe it will be okay if I sleep around.

I’ve also received e-mails from devout Christian young people who are terribly lonely because so many “possible” dates have chosen the intimate path to marriage and they are no longer available to a celibate Christian.

Does God care about your sexual practices? Of course he does! Don’t be ridiculous. Romans 12:1-2 Paul advises us…. Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God--this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing and perfect will.

While I could do a series of lessons on why God demands that Christian singles be celibate, my lesson today is for the lonely singles that desperately want a mate.

1. Does God really want me to marry? After all, Paul said if you didn’t have to….

God wants his children to be happy and victorious. That means that he will not withhold any good thing from his children. God does require that we - “Abstain from fleshly lusts, which war against the soul”. (another big topic) 1 Peter 2:11

Psalms 84:11-12 For the LORD God is a sun and shield; the LORD bestows favor and honor; no good thing does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless. O LORD Almighty, blessed is the man who trusts in you.

Matthew 6:33-34 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Go back and read the entire chapter of Matthew 6 and you will see Jesus building not only a commandment, but a structure for his love. He tells you to do your best to be a good person, but to also understand that if God is willing to take care of the birds of the air – how much more is he willing to give to you?

2. Why doesn’t God bring someone into my life ---RIGHT NOW!

There could be several reasons. Perhaps you aren’t ready. Perhaps you are so fixated on having what you want that you are not willing to “truly” wait for his best. Maybe you are thinking of the other person as a “solution” to all your troubles

YOU DO REALIZE no one can be that! Right? You may think they will solve everything, but in time they will become part of your situation rather than a way out.

Maybe the other person isn’t ready. Maybe they have some growing to do. My husband and I have been married for 35 wonderful years. I love him more now than I ever have. But…we both have talked about how we met. We attended a small college of 1,200 and for three years we never even remember seeing each other. Our junior year was a year of change and growth for both of us. When we met our senior year we clicked. We both feel that if we had met any earlier, we would not have seen the value in each other.

God’s timing is best. Wait on him and he will bring your “soul mate” into your life. Don’t worry…he hasn’t forgotten you and you don’t have to settle for someone that isn’t right. Wait for the right one!

Check back for more on this subject.

God loves you,


Debbie

I believe in God....

The last year has been a difficult one for our family. Like many of you the economy has hit us very hard. Ron fell and hurt his leg, all three children had issues, my dad was in the hospital, Ron's job was cut and many other little things. We even lost our precious little dog.

I was talking to someone the other day who was a bit miffed at God. I understood where he was coming from and that life also hadn't been good to him. I was praying for him and these thoughts flooded my soul.

I believe in God even when I can't see Him. I believe that He's always there watching and tenderly guiding. It may not seem like He's fixing my problems, but I can always feel His hand.

I don't have trouble finding Him in the middle of chaos. Maybe it's because I don't blame Him. I can't blame Him for what's happened to me any more than I would blame the passengers of a plane crash for the incident. We come into this life with one goal - to survive. We can survive kicking and screaming and being angry about how much we deserve - or we can "be still and know God." We can fight with everyone around us or we can understand the power of His plan and try to find a way through.

Personally, I would rather know that I have a direct line to a being that is far more superior than anything on earth. I would rather know that I'm in alignment with the only plan that has a guarantee of working - His plan.

From broken bones to winning a race.

From broken hearts to marriages that work.

From empty pockets to having every need met.

From tears to joy.

From sorrow to laughter.

From rain to sunshine.

God is the creator of it all.

If I'm willing to take the wins and laughter and success, then I also need to be quiet and understanding when I'm required to suffer through the broken times.

I believe God is bigger than anything we can face on this earth. For all the problems and milestones in my life - God has been there. Sometimes with an answer and sometimes to provide courage in the storm.

No matter what you are dealing with....God is not the problem - God is the Answer. Take it from experience, if you hold his hand - you will find peace and a solution to all your needs.

God loves you,

Debbie

Dating - Marriage

I hope the following articles on dating/marriage help you to have a wonderful life.

I'm so lonely, can you help me?

How can I avoid Divorce?

Tit for Tat

Child of Light is finished!

I haven't posted for a month and I've missed you. I've spent every waking moment working or thinking about my newest book, Child of Light. It's now in the hands of my agent. I hope you will pray with me that it will sell quickly.

I have worked so tirelessly on this project because I believe it's a book that it will give hope to millions of people that are worried and are asking, "What if".

It's a fiction story about a family just a few years in America's future. They are dealing with job loss, government micro-managing, health care reform and cap and trade. Sandi Lambert is called by God to be a force of influence and leadership in the days ahead. She doesn't want to move out of her comfort zone but circumstances aren't cooperating. It's a thriller in that corruption brings about violence and revolutions. You will follow her four children and see America from the viewpoint of Washington, Churches, Colleges and Hollywood.

If you can see problems ahead for your family, this book will not only allow you to picture those days, this book will bring hope. Through Sandi and her family you will learn to trust God and to find a way through the mess to a brighter America.

I hope to share it all with you soon. Please pray with me about this project. Please pray for my agent, Les Stobbe and if you have any ideas or comments, please let me know.

God loves you,

Debbie

Darlene's Daily

Far away there in the sunshine are my highest aspirations. I may not reach them, but I can look up and see their beauty, believe in them, and try to follow where they lead. ~~~ --Louisa May Alcott, Author of "Little Women"

:~`*`~:~`*`~:~`*`~:~`*`~:~`*`~:

Four high school boys afflicted with spring fever skipped morning classes. After lunch they reported to the teacher that they had a flat tire.

Much to their relief she smiled and said, "Well, you missed a test today so take seats apart from one another and take out a piece of paper."

Still smiling, she waited for them to sit down. Then she said: "First Question: Which tire was flat?"

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"With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and
terrorist attacks, "Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?"

:~`*`~:~`*`~:~`*`~:~`*`~:~`*`~:

“Grandpa, did God make you?”
“Yes.”
“Did he make me?”
“Yes.”
“I guess He’s doing better work now.”

:~`*`~:~`*`~:~`*`~:~`*`~:~`*`~:

"Human beings, by changing the inner attitudes of their minds, can change the outer aspects of their lives."
~~~William James

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It's true that gray hair makes you look distinguished.It distinguishes you from the younger-looking people.


Thanks Darlene.

God loves you,
Debbie