Tit for Tat

Tit for Tat is a rather old expression that I heard a lot as a child.  I was taught it meant "If I can do it - you can do it.  If you can do it - so can I."  I don't hear it much anymore so I looked it up in the dictionary to be sure it was still around. 

Webster's defines it as "this for that: phrase used when someone pays back one wrong or injury with another."  The thesaurus listed the following words...reprisal, retribution, requital; exchange, revenge.

The thesaurus also listed "quid pro quo".  It's a Latin term meaning, "You do this for me and I'll do that for you."  It's a bargain or a contract term and is used a lot in legal documents. 

Quid pro quo should never be used in a marriage.  When you are dating be sure and find out early on if your date believes in "Quid pro quo".  I'm not talking about things like....can you wash the dishes so I can get dressed and then we'll go out.....or   I'll take this to the bank while you go in the grocery store.  Those are normal chores that people can split and share the work.

What I'm talking about are all the personal "Quid pro quo" or contracts that can muck up a marriage.  Things like "I'm a sports guy.  That's just who I am.  Get used to it."

If you find a guy like that - RUN.  What he's really saying is "I'm so selfish that all I care about is sports.  I'll try to have some kind of fake relationship with you, but if push comes to shove - I'll always want to be first and have my needs met first."

Since most guys like this are able to get away with the statement, the women that choose to love them muttle along through life always giving in to their desires.  The fat usually hits the fan when the gal has to face a major issue alone and is finally able to clearly hear the selfishness in his tone. 

How should a guy (or gal) talk about their own desires?  "I really like sports and cars.  I love to spend my spare time yelling at a football game or under the hood of some car.  But...I understand that I'm not the only important person in this relationship.  If you "really" need me, I'll always turn the TV off and listen to you."

The girl's response should be....."I know that you like to spend your time on sports and cars.  I like to spend my time sewing or doing crafts.  I'll try to schedule my craft time during your game so we can sit together.  And I promise that anytime I interrupt your fun it will be for a really good reason."

That's real compromise.  Without Tit for Tat the relationship will be one-sided and selfishly ask the other person to always do the giving. If it's okay for her to spend time with the girls - it's okay for him to spend time with the boys. If it's okay for him to spend time watching a game - it's okay for her to spend time working on crafts. If it's okay for him to spend a thousand dollars on a part for his hot rod, then it's okay for her to spend a thousand on a new couch for the den.   If it's okay for both parents to watch TV when there's work to be done - then it's okay for the kids to have a messy room and watch their favorite show....(boy that hits home, huh!)

I personally believe that Tit for Tat should be a part of everyone's personality.  I try to NEVER ask anyone to do something I wouldn't be willing to do as well.

But....no matter how great this sounds, it's still a quid pro quo and has one more step before the participants are ready for marriage. 

REAL love is not a quid pro quo situation.  REAL LOVE goes one step further by saying...."If you ever become disabled, I'll put all my desires on hold and take care of you."  Yep, if your date can't commit to a time where he or she gets "nothing" from the relationship, you are in trouble before you begin.  Real love is willing to sacrifice.  Real love says....I love you so much I'll die for you!

If the person you are dating is incapable of sacrificing everything they have for you - RUN RUN RUN....

Now that doesn't mean they hope it doesn't come to that.  I have watched other women my age take care of ailing husbands.  A dear friend of mine spent almost ten years taking care of her husband with Parkinson disease.  She helped him eat, bathe and dress.  She read to him and sang with him.  When he became totally disabled she lifted him into bed and did everything you would do for an infant.  He was helpless and her love for him sacrificed everything she was in order to give him the quality care he needed.  She didn't complain or fuss or throw him off on someone else.  Her love for him was beautiful, strong and an example to everyone around her.

Do I look at that and say, "I hope that happens so I can sacrifice myself for Ron."  Of course not.  I look at it and hope I have the same strength she has but I also beg God to protect us from that type of problem.  I also know that if Ron and I have to face that type of problem, we will do it together and we will bend to the sacrifice we are called on to make.

Marriage meant to last a lifetime involves Tit for tat and also involves sacrifice.  You simply can't have a good marriage without both components.  Be sure you find out if your date is "capable" of Tit for Tat and if he is capable of sacrifice.

God loves you,

Debbie