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Wednesday, September 23, 2009

How can I avoid divorce?

The most important thing you can do to avoid divorce is to date properly.  Some people date for the excitement of knowing someone wants to be with you.  Others date for the "possessive" value.  "He's mine."  or "She's going to always be available."  Some people date simply because they don't want to be alone.  Others date because they think it's some kind of stamp of approval for being "cool". 

The truth is that if you don't date for the right reason - you won't be married for the right reason and your marriage will fail.

Dating includes a lot of issues and it's a precursor to how the marriage will look.  Here are a few things to consider.  Our next post will delve into these issues.

1. I've interviewed a lot of young adults and the most disturbing thing I've ever heard is, "I like a guy that's kind of bad.  I don't want a good guy."  I usually have to bite my lip when girls say it about guys or even guys say it about girls.  What they are actually saying is "I want someone bad so I don't have to be my best."  or  "I want him to be a rebel so it will prove that I'm not conforming to my parents, school etc..."  or  "I want him to look bad but treat me good."

All of these reasons are faulty.  If he's bad before you date or even while you're dating - it is guaranteed that he or she will be awful during marriage.  Whatever fault they have before marriage will multiply when you have children to think about or bills to pay.  If a guy or gal is a jerk before the marriage they will be "super" jerk after the marriage. 

And please don't even start by saying, "Well, he may treat others that way but he'll be good to me!"  Are you nuts!  People are what they are and when they get married they relax and will be even more of what they are.  It's like marriage highlights all their faults.

Your job in dating is to find the "best" person you can that fits your lifestyle and your desires.  That will cut down on arguing and fighting.

2.  "But I love him!"  What a stupid remark. DUMB DUMB AND DUMBER couldn't be more stupid that to use the "but I love him" as a reason to marry. 

Don't you ever marry for anything but love.  Love is the most important thing in a marriage. will never cover up the sins or faults of another human being.  It only makes the pain of their faults go deeper and hurt you more.  It is much better to walk away from someone you "love" than to marry them knowing that they will hurt you.  Walking away from someone you are dating will heal a lot quicker than walking away from a divorce where children and finances are devastated.

3.  Know what you "need" before you get serious.  That means you should date a lot of people. them with the goal of getting to know who they are - not getting physical.  Sure it's okay to hold their hand or give them a good night kiss.  But if you are NOT spending most of the date talking - your date process is worthless.  Ask questions....tons of questions.  Talk about their goals and dreams and where they want to be in 10 years. 

Don't just go out and eat, talk about movies and music, go to a movie and then make out.  If you do that you don't know anything about that person.  What is his faith?  What does she think about education?  Is he a sports nut and would he miss a game to visit his grandmother?  Does she like to cook or travel or ride motorcycles?  Try to find out all you can about how this person would fit your life.

Most divorces aren't over large things.  Most divorces begin with the statement, "She doesn't understand me."  Hum....that should have been the #1 thing he found out on the first date. 

More later.....Send me any questions you have. 

You can date and have a great marriage.  I've been married for 35 wonderful years and I promise it can happen to you if you know how to date.

God loves you,


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