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Tuesday, August 21, 2007

TRUST - the VIP of relationships

I've received several e-mails about relationships. Not only do some of you want to know how to start a new relationship, some of you want to know how to repair a dysfunctional one. This subject will be continued for several posts.

The VIP (very important principle) of relationships is TRUST.

What your relationship will become depends on TRUST.

If you will even have a relationship depends on TRUST.

If you can be forgiven depends on TRUST.

And last but certainly not least, TRUE LOVE cannot exist without TRUST.

No other principle in a relationship is as powerful as TRUST. Let me give you some examples.

Your 10-year-old goes to school and is approached by some of the less desirable girls in the class. Since she isn't a teacher's pet and doesn't have designer clothes, they think she might be a candidate for their group. Both parents work and there's precious little time to talk with her so she gravitates to anyone that pays her attention. She's not part of the in group but desperately wants friends. She doesn't like a lot of the kids at church and feels left out at youth functions. You have disappointed her many times when you couldn't make it to special days and functions. You have taught her that work is far more important than she is. You've also taught her that no matter how bad she is hurting, if the schedule is full and everyone is rushing - you will not take time to talk to her. She will have to wait.

And since there is little time for talking and holding and just being together - she is confused by your bickering, nagging and pushing. She has lost your TRUST. She is wrong, but she feels the reason you push her so much is because you don't want to spend time with her. She can't wait for a better day when life is easier. She needs you now and doesn't think your success at work or the new house will ever make up for the pain she feels inside. She doesn't know how you really feel and your actions support the fact that you don't care.

This group is very anti-parent. They assure her that parents don't really care about their children. They fuss about the lack of love and understanding from parents and share their problems. They give her support. They lend an ear and say..."You can trust me. I won't betray you like your parents have." With trust gone, it is easy for her to look you in the eye and deny all love and all ties to the family.

You are stunned. You wonder how this happened. How could your sweet little 10-year-old daughter become so mean and angry?

Losing your trust in someone is as painful as death. Feeling that they have betrayed you or let you down leaves a huge wound that takes a long time to heal - if ever.

A big part of love is the feeling that we can run to that person when we are hurt. A big part of love is feeling that the person we run to can be trusted with our feelings, our battles, our hurts, our inner thoughts and our love. When we can no longer trust them, our world with them begins to crumble and fall apart.

Think of all the reasons marriages break up. I am positive that 90% of those reasons can be linked to loss of TRUST.

I asked one young lady that was preparing for divorce after only three years of marriage. "What would you do if he apologized and said it would never happen again? Would you take him back and simply wait and see if he could be a good husband?"

"I love him. I will always love him. There's a part of me that will never forget the love that we once had. But he's made a lot of promises and refused to keep them. He's enjoyed hurting me. He's been abusive and felt that he had that right. I just can't trust him. What if he is good for three years and then it's back to normal? What if I have a child by that time? What if he does those things to my child? I will always wonder if the next day or the next month will be the time he chooses to give up again and go back to the old ways. I will always wonder if some tragedy comes along will he feel pushed to hurt me again. I simply can't trust him. I forgive him, but I can't trust him."

Wow. Every parent, every child, every spouse, every employer, every pastor, every human being on the face of the earth should understand that principle.

When we lose trust.....the relationship deteriorates.

I recently talked to a very unhappy husband. He told me he had never been happy the entire 12 years of his marriage. His wife is verbally abusive and controlling. He doesn't want to leave because he is totally in love with his children. He would give his life to be sure they are safe. He is afraid if he leaves his wife would demand the children and might then turn her abuse to them. So, he stays. I asked how he was able to manage.

"I'm numb. I go through my day with one thought - to be a good Dad."

"Don't you feel you deserve love for yourself?"

"I could never be happy knowing my children were hurting. So I'm choosing which pain to endure. I kiss my wife and feel nothing. I go to bed with her and feel nothing. "

"What if I talked to her. Maybe I can get her to see what she is doing and how it is hurting you."

"No. I don't think that would work. She has made so many promises and they never happened. Even if she sees the pain she causes - it's only for a day or so and then it's back to normal. I just couldn't trust her. And if she didn't listen it would be worse for me. She would take out her pain on me and the children. No, I think it's best to leave things like they are. I can't trust her for any love or affection and I just couldn't take the pain of more disappointment when it didn't work."

We need to TRUST our parents.

We need to TRUST our spouse.

We MUST TRUST our God.

We need to TRUST our leaders.

We need to TRUST our friends.

Of those five there is only one perfect TRUST

'Tis so sweet to Trust in Jesus,
Just to take him at his word.
Just to rest upon His promise;
Just to know "Thus saith the Lord."

Jesus, Jesus how I trust Him!
How I've proved Him o'er and o'er!
Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus!
O for grace to trust Him more!

I'm so glad I learned to trust Thee,
Precious Jesus, Savior friend;
And I know that Thou art with me,
Wilt be with me to the end.

What ever your problems are, God has earned your TRUST. He sent his precious son Jesus to earth just for you. Your life, your family, your soul is safe with him. He will never leave you nor forsake you. He will always be by your side. He wants you to make it and to come out of your trial successfully. He loves you more than anyone on the planet ever could.

Jesus has earned your TRUST and will be your dearest friend.

I'm here. Let me know if I can help.

God loves you,


1 comment:

Michael May said...

Trust. A small word with life changing possiblities. Possibilities that can be either a comfort or a life altering tragedy.
As anyone who knows me can atest, I don't trust anyone very easy. It takes me time to convince myself that I can trust someone for any reason. Once I decide I can trust someone, that becomes the rock hard foundation by which the relationship is founded. Once I trust someone, just about anything can be forgiven and usually forgotten with no residual effects.
I was married once before, and as with any married couple, we had our problems. We had great times and bad. We were best friends as well as husband and wife and I loved her dearly and completely and was going to live the rest of my life with her. Because I loved her I overlooked the little things that often come up in marriages. That all ended when I found out that another man had entered her life. As hard as I tried to fight to save my marriage and forgive and forget, trust had been breeched and I knew I would never be able to trust her again. Trust broken, marriage over.
Since that timne I have struggled with trust. Even to the point of my Savior. In my heart I know Jesus would never betray my daily trust in him, but Satan has a way of saying "Hey, you thought you could trust someone else that you gave your heart to, why should he be any different". But I know who I trust and that He would never break that trust.
Broken trust in any relationship will affect every relationship in one way or another. Broken trust is a fracture that cannot be healed, only patched and the scars will go with you for the rest of your life.
If someone puts their trust in me, I value that and hold it precious in my heart, and make a concious choice to NEVER break that bond.
Debbie, you are right, trust more than love is the foundation of ANY relationship.
My own philosophy goes like this--
i amy not love you, but if I can trust you, I can grow to love you. I may love you but if I can't trust you, that trust cannot be restored and relationship is over.