Debbie's TBN interview about the economy's impact on the family

This fall, 2009 Debbie did an interview with Eugene Norris on "Joy in our Town" with TBN television.  The following is based on that interview.

I. What impact does a slumping economy have on the family unit?
Too many families are already working overtime for “things” rather than concentrating on people and the family unit. If all your focus is on things – when you start to lose them, all sorts of problems begin. Marriage isn’t about things. It is not a business with a bottom line. If your marriage is defined by goals and what you plan to achieve - rather than a relationship - then the success of your family will be tied to the economy.  When the economy goes down it will take your family with it.

2. You say abuse increases when the economy is bad – how is this so?

Even wonderful loving people can reach their limit. During a down economy, if the family begins to lose it's way because of the loss of things - that will translate into abuse.  Let me go over the top four biggest problems.
1. Disappointment. If your marriage is about reaching goals and those goals are denied, disappointment can set in. Disappointment is a huge emotion to deal with.  Disappointment that you can't provide the desperately needed braces or the new bike or even an overpriced birthday present - can leave you feel desperate and like a failure. 

2. Being overworked, feeling like a failure or watching your dreams crash around you – those are all huge emotions that will translate into your daily life.

3. If love isn’t your main focus in your family – you can reach feelings like those of being the caged tiger. The caged tiger feels like he doesn’t have options and he lashes out at anyone coming near the cage.  And....if the family continually bangs on the bar of his cage by asking for "stuff" or demanding "participation" especially when he/she is overworked and tired....then...the caged tiger will lash out.

4. With all that working together – In the eyes of the overworked, the family becomes part of the problem and in desperation he/she will lash out at them. For example, imagine if Dad has always brought little things home for his four year old.  Nothing big.  A little toy or a lollipop.  But now that he is behind on the house payment and is taking yogurt to work for lunch, he doesn't even have the quarter everyday to bring something home with him.  What happens?  The child runs to him trying to continue with the things he loves, but in dad's disappointment - he lashes out.  Solution:  Mom needs to get involved and help by making a card, a picture, a cookie - something to take the place of a purchased item.  Mom and child also need to be understand that dad isn't being mean - he's just disappointed that he can't deliver.

III. Families need to pull closer in times of crisis. What happens that drives a wedge between them?

It’s all about focusing on love and what is best for the family. If you focus on money or things or position or anything other than being together – the family unit will suffer.  But, if you take your eyes off things and put them on faces ---and if you work together, you can come up with ingenious solutions.

IV. Fathers have a sense of being the provider – what do fathers need to understand during this time?

Great question! The only way for any family to survive during any stressful time is to make the family unit the most important thing in the marriage. It’s not about individuals – it’s about the unit as a whole. For example, if little Johnny contracts liver cancer…the rest of the family needs to go into protection mode for little Johnny. That means vacations, ball games, days at the zoo all take a back seat to making sure little Johnny is cared for. It doesn’t mean you don’t do those things but your perspective is taking care of a hurting member.

So…if Dad can see that it’s not about him and his feelings but rather about taking care of the family – then his ego is in tack and the family survives. I’ve written a booklet titled Stay at home Dads, the new supermen! I wrote it because more men than ever are staying at home because their wives can make more money than they can. I give all kinds of tips on how to adjust your ego and allow the family to win.

V. Do we see where abuse occurs because the wife is working and the husband is staying at home?

I’m not sure that it’s who stays home as much as where the emphasis is for the family. It’s the attitude about how to handle stress that makes the difference.

That attitude can come from being a spoiled brat and wanting everything. But…there we are back to the fact that spoiled brats can’t be trusted or counted on in a marriage.

VI. Is this abuse from the father toward the children? The spouse? Both?

Abuse doesn’t care about gender, relationships or age. Abuse comes from three forms.

1. You were raised with abuse and you are continuing the heritage.

2. You didn’t learn how to handle anger when you were young…or you’re a spoiled brat.

3. You are a good person, a devout parent and loving spouse, but you are overloaded and have become the caged tiger.

To wind it up…in a down economy you want to put your emphasis on protecting the family unit, protecting your relationships with your spouse and children and remove the emphasis off of things. Make the family unit and being together a #1 priority and let go of things.

I hope this helps you,
 
God loves you,
 
Debbie

Debbie was on TBN

On November 12, 2009 I did an interview on TBN.  We did two segments.  The first one was titled "Keys to a Successful Marriage".

On air I promised to include the specifics of the interview on this blog.  I hope the following provides all the information you need.  If you have any questions, please let me know.

My interview was with Pastor Eugene Norris.  He asked the following questions.

I.  What would you say are the most important things in a Marriage?

It’s a huge subject and there’s a lot of material to cover for this question, but let me give you the top five things I feel are vitally important.

1. Marry the right person for you. Most couples slide into marriage thinking they can change whatever is wrong after they are settled in their own home.  Unfortunately marriage highlights our shortcomings it doesn’t erase them. Spend as much time talking as you can.  Find out how they feel about different scenarios.  Ask what they would do if......  Make sure you know their heart and mind.  Marriage is more about living with the daily grind than it is about romance.

2. Don’t marry for love. What?  Strange thought but it’s true. If you know the person doesn’t suit you but you’ve bought into the thought that love covers a multitude of sins – you are in for a rude awakening. The only love that covers problems is a mother’s love and God’s love. For the rest of us, when there’s a problem love is the first one out the door. Marry because everything else is in place.  Respect, honor, life goals, principles.  Once those are in place then love is the icing on the cake. Love enhances everything but it can’t be the cake.

3. Apply the Golden rule. 95% of the arguments that lead to divorce would stop if the participants would apply the golden rule by agreeing that – "I will only do to you what I want done to me."

4. Elevate the good points. Concentrate on what’s right in your marriage. Build a base of all the good things and then work out from there.

5. Compassionately forgive and work on bad points …together! Not separate, not standing back and waiting for your spouse to change, but work together with compassion.

II. 50% of marriages end in divorce, can you give us some reasons?
Again there are many reasons but lets tackle the top 5

1. Too many couples want a fairytale. They entered marriage with starry eyes and when the rude awakening came, they weren’t prepared. Most people put more thought and planning into choosing a car than in choosing a mate. With so little research it's silly when they appear shocked because they don’t fit.

2. Finances are huge. If you built your marriage on what you have rather than on being with that other person, you probably won’t survive the first year of setting up your home. Think back to when divorce was only one in 20.  Think back to the 40's.  Times were tough especially after the war.  Yet most marriages survived.  Most couples were happy living in one room with a bed, dresser and a two burner hot plate.  Why?  Because they were building on their relationship not on what they had.  If you build your relationship on what you have rather than who you are or how much you love them - it will be a difficult roller coaster ride.

3. Spoiled Brats make lousy partners. No one can do all the sacrificing. Marriage is supposed to be two people shouldering the load together. If you have to carry your load and theirs – you will crash.  If I am channel surfing and land for even a moment on these programs about crazy brides or spoiled brats - I wind up yelling at the groom as if he could hear me "Run man....run away as fast as you can!"

4. Most couples don’t know how to disagree. They make it personal rather than making their disagreement about the problem.  Most arguments end up being about what the spouse isn't doing or some bad habit they have rather than about the real problem.  If stress at work is eating at you - don't fuss because your husband isn't helping around the house.  Make the argument about the problem not the person.

5. Your marriage will end in divorce if your partner likes to take the easy road. Marriage is hard, requires work and commitment. Someone who easily gives up will not pay the price needed for a good marriage.

III. Give us a few principles that we can apply to hurting or damaged marriages.

There have been volumes written on this topic, but I have my favorite top five.

1. Pray. Praying brings you under submission and helps you to be willing to ask the hard questions.  Praying puts you in a submissive mode.  Praying opens your mind to questions and answers from all directions not just your own.

2. Be honest about your part of the problem and work at solving your half.
However,
Be careful if there is abuse. A controlling abuser can make you feel that you are totally responsible for all the problems.  For truly abusive situations you must remove yourself. It’s impossible to work on changing abuse if you are still in the middle of the situation.  An abused person can't see the truth or who is really at fault.  Remove yourself from the situation and get help to "honestly" judge the problems.

3. Stop all bashing and begin promoting good points. Lift your spouse higher. I love the book by Wellington Boon titled Your wife is not your mama.  I instruct couples that this book isn't just for men.  It only works when both couples are consistently trying to life the other spouse as high as they can.  Being unselfish is the only way to support your partner. 

4. Find a project that you both love and do it together. Nothing begins to solve marriage issues like working on a project together.  After all, over 3/4th of affairs at work happen because two people are thrown together to work on a project.  Find something that the two of you can enjoy and work on together and it will bring out the best in your relationship.

5. Have some fun. Dating is all about fun and too many married couples forget to have fun together.
 
 
I hope this gives you a quick look at some things you can do to help your marriage.  If your group or church seems to be having too many marital issues - check out my classes.  I would love to come and speak on this or any other subject.
 
God loves you,
 
Debbie

Marriage

The following Posts deal with Marriage....

Debbie's interview on TBN fall 2009

Debbie's TBN interview about the economy's impact on the family

Picture of a real leader

What is the difference between real leadership and lip service?  It seems to be a mystery that liberals just can't solve.  Conservatives get it!  We know that it's about truth, honor, compassion and true concern for the little guy.  Another name for it is class.

While Mr. Obama is sending a shout out to friends, pretending to think about the requests by generals in Iraq and stumping for his pet peeve - government take over of health care - which most Ameircans don't want.....A real leader does the right thing!

Last night Former President George W. Bush and his wife Laura decided they wanted to once again do the right thing.  They called the base commander at Fort Hood and asked to visit the victims.  In keeping with their character and their true compassion - they asked that the press coverage of their visit be suspended.  Instead, they spent "considerable time" consoling those who were wounded in Thursday's shooting spree

The Bushes entered and departed the sprawling military facility in total secrecy.  

Fox news reported that the couple was described as "deeply concerned" about military families.  The Bushes, who have a 1,600-acre property known as Prairie Chapel Ranch less than 30 miles from Fort Hood in central Texas, spent between one and two hours visiting the wounded and their families.

I don't understand liberal nuts who have a problem with the Bushes.  They did so many wonderful things for this country.  The best thing of all about them was their compassion and concern for each individual victim in any situation.  This picture brings tears to my eyes.  God bless you President and Laura Bush.

God loves you,

Debbie

This is scary....

I don't even need to comment on this.  It's his own words.

God have mercy on us.....God have mercy....



God loves you,

Debbie

The Commander in Cruelty

Just after the 9/11 attacks President Bush took all of three minutes to make sure that children in 1st grade would not be alarmed.  He finished reading a short little book, excused himself and then hurried to make an off the cuff announcement to calm the nation.  His thoughts were to protect children and to calm his country.

Yesterday 13 of our brightest and finest preparing to deploy to fight for our freedom lost their lives in a brutal and horrible attack.  For three hours Mr. Obama hid himself in a conference that was discussing the care of Indians.  I have nothing against Indians.  But even if I had a one on one with a president, even if I was sitting in his office....if the news of a tragedy came in - I would WANT him to say, "Excuse me, I need to take care of this."  That's part of his job!  Yesterday, Mr. Obama again proved that he doesn't care what happens to the general public.  As long as someone isn't shooting at him he's fine with what's going on. 

When newscasters announced that the President would "finally" speak, I was expecting a comforting, kind, understanding speech.  Instead, while broken and hurting family members waited for words of understanding, he does a shout out to someone in the conference.  It was as if he had no concern whatsoever for the hurting families or families that were still under lockdown.

I was appalled and frustrated as I screamed at the TV.  Apparently I wasn't alone.  In an article by Robert A George he recounted Obama's frightening insensitivity following the shooting.  A-Disconnected-President

Perhaps you would like to decide for yourself...




God have mercy on us,

God loves you,

Debbie

The Value of One Life

The holidays are a happy time for all of us. We love the lights and the excitement of spending time with friends and family. Many people are struggling with a down economy, less money, trouble at work and fear about our future.

Into this mix bag of difficult emotional times walks a young girl. She's barely 9 and is the joy to those around her. Unfortunately she has an inoperable brain tumor. My son Ken is a pastor and very close to the Ives family. He's met little Sydney and says she is an adorable angel. It breaks our hearts to hear of such tragedy in one so young and yet....we are moved by her courage, her strength and her desire to give hope to those around her.

In your busy days and as you prepare for the holidays I encourage you to go on her website and read the story of this courageous young girl. It will humble you. It will inspire you and I hope it will help you to see the "really" important things in your own life.

She is at death's door and the family really needs your prayers. Almost 613,000 people have visited her site. I encourage you to do so today.

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/sydney98


God loves you,

Debbie