The Right Regrets

I was an only child preacher's kid. I grew up being lectured on the importance of confidentiality. I was required to tag along when my parents visited fighting spouses or walked into a dysfunctional home. I kept quiet or would find the children in those situations and gather them in a closed room so I could provide comfort.

As a teen I formed a life philosophy that centered around the goal of "no regrets." It seemed to me that the worst expressed emotion was that of "regrets". I could see it in a person's eyes. I watched as they rung their hands and cried. I saw the drooping shoulders and felt the air of depression - all because of regrets.

It's easy to quote Nathan Hale when he said, "I only regret that I have but one life to lose for my country." That regret inspires us. It's a regret that says I want to do more. I want to multiply myself for a greater good. What about other regrets?

Woody Allen had issues in his life and said "My one regret in life is that I am not someone else."

In Casablanca Humphrey Bogart's character Rick said, "If that plane leaves the ground and you're not with him, you'll regret it. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of your life." Regrets of love are especially painful.

Robert Hardie was a Scottish doctor who when Singapore fell in 1942 became a prisoner of war. He kept a secret diary and said, "This is the last day of 1943, a year to be said goodbye to without regret, holding as it did nothing beyond captivity and depression, weary waiting, and above all the sight of immeasurable human misery, suffering and death." Even though we never regret losing pain in our life - we will always regret the loss of time during the pain.

In Tennyson's poem The Princess he describes the pain and "wild regret" of love lost.

I don't have an exact quote, but I remember an interview with Billy Graham where he expressed regret that he hadn't learned more about the scriptures. Even with all his accomplishments he felt he had not done enough.

It seems impossible to leave this life without regrets. There's so much to do and many things we would like to accomplish and yet....time....commitments....lack of money....too much money....whatever the reason - life consumes us and regrets move in.

Do I have regrets? After all, my goal at a young age was not to have any. "How unachievable the silly goals of youth."

Of course I have regrets. I have huge regrets. There are issues that haunt me to this day. But...I have learned over the years to control my regrets. I concentrate on the big things in my life and reserve my regrets for the little things. Regrets like not exercising enough or paying off a bill or keeping my house spotless.

I work hard to eliminate regrets about relationships. When a relative or close friend is frustrated with me and letting me have it - before responding I ask myself "will there be regrets for responding negatively?" If there are, I hold my tongue.

I don't allow regrets about my faith. I try to be like Jesus in that I'm the same today and tomorrow when it comes to my faith. I refuse to let it change to suit another or to gain approval or to make life easier.

I don't allow regrets about my family. They are first and will always be first no matter what sacrifice I have to make.

Yet.....I still have regrets even in those areas.

I hope you will join me today in a new commitment to take care of those around us and to "lessen" the amount of regrets in our lives. You will sleep much better when you are old if you are conscious about your life when you are young.

As Dr. Ken Crocker says, "The mortality rate is 100%. Everyone dies. I've held the hands of many people as they died and I know of no one that looks back on their life and wishes they could have worked more or argued more. Everyone looks back and wishes they would have worked less, loved more and had less regrets."

I like the quote from a play by Arthur Miller. He won a Pulitzer Prize for Death of a Salesman and was established as a leading contemporary playwright dealing with the realities of family life. In his play The Ride Down Mount Morgan, Tom said, "Maybe all one can do is hope to end up with the right regrets."

Let's pray together that today we will end up with the "right regrets."

God loves you,

Debbie

Mommy Dectective

Every parent needs to be a good detective. As explained in my newest book Discipline Exposed, for every action there is a re-action. In order to help our children we must find unique ways to discover "why" our children are re-acting negatively. If we can't find the true cause for negative behavior, it will fester and erupt at the worst time.

I encourage dads to cut out a star and place it in your wallet. Moms can purchase a cheap rhinestone star and wear it proudly on your jacket. We are detectives. In order to raise healthy children, we must be detectives. Like Columbo and the Monk, we must search for the tiniest clues and test every clue against the situation.

Pretend that a murder lurks in the future. All the clues are being presented at this moment in time. Your job is to evaluate the clues and stop the murder. Who is going to be murdered? It could be your child’s self-esteem. Maybe it’s their ability to get a job. Perhaps their faith or soul is in jeopardy. I hope it’s not your relationship with your child. Whatever it is, we must stop the murder. How? Let’s look at the five points of our detective star.

1. Any good detective will investigate the scene of the crime. In other words, always place yourself in your child’s world. Try to see what they see, live with their problems and view their friends.

I was counseling with a troubled teen and had a terrible time finding the source of the problem. Finally, I spent a day at the school. Watching her classmates and friends led me to the cause of her problems.

2. Watch body language. Nothing tells you more about your child’s inner feelings than body language. Watch their face, eyes and hands. Watch as they interact with others. Are they nervous, do they fidget?

Did you know that an abused child will use body language to tell an investigator who is doing the abuse? They are frightened to tell on the abuser so they usually sit in his/her lap. This way they assure the abuser that they are protecting them, but sub-consciously they are sending a message to the investigator – this is my abuser.

3. Make talking a comfortable experience. Remember how Detective Columbo reassured the killer. He was always nice and did all he could to make the killer comfortable. I’m not suggesting that we look at our children as killers, but we will get more information with acceptance than if we blurt out our suspicions.

4. Listen for tiny clues. Sometimes the smallest clue can be the most devastating. The human mind is like a detailed puzzle. Tiny bits of information can be tucked away in our memory cells and change our lives forever. Watch for the little ways our children tell us something is wrong.

A young teen was having a hard time at school. Her grades were plummeting. Her hygiene was suffering and her eating habits were changing. She was not on drugs and was somewhat popular. She was not being bullied and seemed content with school. A physical revealed she was healthy. Her parents were happily married and her home was safe. What could cause this drastic change?

Mom listened for every tiny clue. It took several months of making sure she heard every word the young teen said. One Saturday afternoon they were watching the Olympics. The teen expressed how much she liked sports. The conversation revealed that she believed she couldn't marry and have a good relationship if she was involved in sports. “Women who have great lives are feminine.” Mom was a very feminine woman but her daughter was better suited for sports.

This young teen was denying her purpose in life because she was afraid of failing at her future marriage. When mom explained that you could have both, the problem was resolved and she went on to be both feminine and successful at sports.

5. Check all related sources. Detectives don’t stop at the crime scene they look for motives, causes, weapons and accomplices. Anything your child touches, breathes, reads, listens to, participates in, talks with, learns from or brushes against has the potential to change his thinking. Never rule out anything.

As we become good detectives we will have the information to help our children succeed. Wear the star proudly. Don’t be a bumbling goof, earn the right to be a respected parenting “Columbo”.

God loves you,

Debbie