How children help Adults

Yesterday I explained what children will NOT do for you.

Today I want to explain what children WILL do for you.

"Lo, children are a heritage of the Lord; and the fruit of the womb is his reward." Psa. 127:3

"Children's children are the crown of old men; and the glory of children are their fathers."Prov. 17:6

"Suffer the little children, and forbid them not, to come unto me; for of such is the kingdom of heaven." Matt. 19:14

Not only are children the way we populate this earth, but there is something so wonderful about them that Jesus declares those qualities extend into heaven - his home. So why are they to be our crowning glory and what do they offer adults?

1. They will change the world. And because we have the ability to bend the reed in the direction of good, our job as parents becomes the most important thing we can do. Money, fame, good looks, popularity, achievements...none of those things will come close to the importance of raising children destined to change the world at large or their small portion of the world.

In our children we will find answers that comfort us about the future. I have trouble watching the news. I make myself watch so that I have an eye on the world. But it troubles my heart and I often finish a program with sadness.

I experienced a different America. I wish my grandchildren (whenever that comes) would inherit the strong America I loved. Yes, there were problems. But the majority of people were involved in Patriotism, Christianity, having close-knit traditional families and making the future better. We had hope in the future.

Too many older citizens are hopeless about America's future. They express that hopelessness by withdrawal and praying that Christ will come preventing the future they fear. That hopelessness has caused great apathy. They don't feel there's anything they can do.

There is plenty for all of us to do. Even one family can make a difference in the future.

Children are our hope for the future. How we raise them, what we promote in our homes, how we lead them to Christ and live the life before them as well as how we leave them with a desire to change their world - all will determine our futures. Children can and will change the world.

Let him sleep....for when he wakes, he will move mountains. --
Napoleon

Our job then is more important than anything a democratic candidate can say, more important that the president of your company and their dealings, more important than finding new oil -- raising a child that will continue to work for the good of all is more important than anything anyone anywhere could ever do!

Just knowing you are there keeps a smile in my heart.

2. Children are our ticket to see beauty and experience the world with awe. If an author wants to express pure joy or elation over something small, more times than not he will relate it to the eyes of a child. Children find wonder and beauty in the smallest creation. As in the play Peter Pan, parents who allow their children to help them see the wonders of the world - will have a ticket to pure joy and serenity.

In the 70's there was a psychologist that proclaimed a cure for the plague of depression and anxiety felt by high-pressured executives. His cure was to bring them to a huge camp in Switzerland for a month. He would dress them like children and required them to become a child for that month. They played tag and jumped rope. They took morning naps and afternoon naps. They sat in circles while listening to elementary stories. They were encouraged to scream, giggle, laugh, run and gaze at clouds. The cure was miraculous. The remaining problem was how to continue that feeling during a high-powered board meeting.

Let me play in the sunshine;
Let me sing for joy;
Let me grow in the light;
Let me splash in the rain,
and remember the days of childhood
forever.

Children can help you enjoy your world. Live your day to the best of your ability. But when you come home, take the time to see your child's world. If you allow it to penetrate your soul, you will find a peace like no other.

Explore your child's room from their vantage point. Crawl under a chair, squint into a matchbox car, press your nose against the window, use a straw to blow bubbles in the fish tank.....these actions will not only delight your child, but will bring more peace to your heart and restore your energy more than pushing back in a recliner. Tickle your child, chase them around the house, find a worm and watch it crawl, lie in the grass with your child resting on your tummy and ponder the love in your heart.

3. Children can help you see the simple solution. They may seem complicated because you are trying to figure out how to help them grow. But they are actually very simple. Mommy is mad. In their simplistic world the solution is obvious. Bring her some flowers. "Mommy always smiles when she gets flowers." Go pick some dandelions and the problem will be solved.

Mommy gets happy when I hug her. “Oh mommy, I love you so much.” XXX 000

There’s nothing wrong with me that a little ice cream won’t cure.

I was speaking at a conference and one brave Dad shared an experience. He told me that he had a terrible fight with his wife. He was sitting outside on a picnic table with his head in his hands. His son brought him a rose that had most of the petals missing and the stem was broken so it flopped in the child’s hand. “Here Daddy, take it to Mommy. It will be okay.” He smiled at this son and said, “I don’t think this will fix our problem. I don’t think a yard full of flowers will fix our problem.”

“Sure it will. Just give it to her and tell her you are so sorry and then give her a big hug and kiss and promise to be a good boy from now on.” He sniffed and wiped his nose. “It always works for me.”

The Dad took the broken flower to his wife, held it out and said. “I’m so sorry, I promise to be a good boy from now on.” He smiled, kissed his wife and waited. His son peeked from around his legs and coached his Mom. “You got to say okay. You told me that when someone says they are sorry, you gotta forgive them.”

The Dad smiled at me. I waited for him to continue. He finally grinned,“Of course it worked. When we have the love of a little child everything works.”

3. Children teach us to laugh and enjoy the world. Adults get so involved in the daily grind that we forget that the journey of life is supposed to be fun as well as productive.

The happiest moments of my life have been the few
which I have passed in the bosom of my family.
Thomas Jefferson

4.Children remind us to center on what’s really important in life. When we’ve had a horrible day at work and we feel like we are the lowest thing on the planet, how wonderful to come home to a family that is excited to see you. How wonderful to carry your burdens to your front door and have them immediately disappear when you hear your child yell, “Hi Daddy! I missed you!”

To know that you are his world. To know that in his eyes you are wonderful. Well….there’s just no greater joy than that!

HOME - is where they love
you!

I think it’s sad that so many parents have stopped promoting the joyous homecoming. We should all teach our children to listen for those footsteps and run to greet Mom or Dad when they come home.

So much of what is great has sprung from the closeness of family ties. --James M. Barrie, author of Peter Pan.

5. Children create years of wonderful memories. Knowing that you created a human being is wonderful. But the real joy for parents is watching that human being grow and mature.

“Nature never repeats herself, and the possibilities of one human soul will never be found in another.” -- Elizabath Cady Stanton

How fantastic to know that you have created something that no one else will ever be able to do. This tiny human will never be duplicated. Even multiple births do not produce “exact” copies. Each child is different and with each new creation comes a flood of memories. If we are careful to build sweet memories - to take pictures of happy times, they will certainly comfort us through the bad times. And when we are old….well, let this 5 year old explain it.

“My grandma smacks her gums all the time. I think it’s because she’s chewing over all the good times she had when she was my age.”

Enjoy the uniqueness of your family. Don't throw away moments that you will cherish later in life and don't miss those moments by trading worry or stress for the love of your child.

Let me sum it up with a quote about children from Gerald Massey, Wooed and Won….

“A sweet,
new blossom of Humanity,
Fresh fallen from
God’s own home
to flower on earth.”

God loves you,

Debbie

Children are wonderful !

"Children will always break your heart and I feel sorry for anyone that has them."

"You're pregnant? I'm so sorry."

What?!?!?

I'm going to try to control myself. I've heard those statements more than I would like and I'm tired of it. The next person spouting that type of comment is going to get a very special delivery from me - a gross of messy dirty diapers!!!! Deal with that!

Children are wonderful! Children are great. Children are like gardens, they reflect the care of the gardener. Don't assume that children are going to be trouble just because you or a friend couldn't find a way to help the children in your care. Children are not the problem - their environment may be.

There are several things a child can not do for you :

1. A child will not make a bad marriage better. While you may receive a smile from your new child, the problems that existed with your husband will be the same.

2. A child will not help your finances even if he is a tax deduction. You now have another human being to provide for and your finances will reflect that.

3. A child can not boost your self-esteem. When the rush of having a baby is over your self-esteem issues will return with a vengeance.

4. A child can not make you a success by their own achievements. Be proud of your children but don't base your success on their achievements. Allow them to "own" their achievements and it will be easier for them to understand their failures.

5. A child will not secure your happiness. Children are hard work. That hard work will translate into times of great joy and probably times of great stress or pain. There should be times of great happiness watching and loving your child but your child can not bring you the kind of happiness that will keep you from "feeling" the pain of other problems in your life.

6. A child will not be your companion forever. Good parents are constantly trying to work themselves out of a job. If you love your child, your goal is for them to be independent of you. That independence will mean that there are times when he/she will have his own friends and his own experiences.

Children should be taught however that we are commanded by God to honor and love our parents the longest day we live. And we are commanded to care for them and do all we can to care for them and let them know they are loved.

7. A child is not a duplicate of you. It is possible to love them even if they are exact opposites of you. It is your duty to teach them right from wrong and it is their duty to learn their lessons well. But if your daughter likes the blue dress rather than the green one you want her to buy - let it go. If your son likes football over golf - let it go. If your adult children prefer a good church on the north side of town and you prefer a good church on the east side of town - meet them for lunch and let it go.


Children are a blessing from God. As one quote says, "Children are God's opinion that the world should continue."

Children are truly the most important task you will ever assume. Take a look at the ones in your home or pat your tummy and think of the little one on the way. Ask yourself, "How would I feel about the possibility of this child if I knew I was about to give birth to someone that would change the world?" What would you do differently? How would you determine to care for them? What would you teach them?

Well, guess what? Open any history book, your bible or any book on "great men and women of...." They all had a mother and a father. And at some point that parent was given the choice to look at the pregnancy as a blessing and a mission from God or to view it with disdain.

And while I'm on this subject - who's the very most important parent there is??? All those wonderful people who adopt children! Those fantastic people that have enough love in their hearts to change the future of precious children outside their own genes. Who started the great love found in adoption? Mary the mother of Jesus. He was adopted from an unusually far off land. Yet, she carried out her duties with love and grace. Jesus may have been the son of God, but Mary was a beautiful link to this often complicated human race.

When the doctor puts that little one in your arms there's only one thing to do. Pray for wisdom and ask God to help you care for that child in the same way He cares for you.

Kiss that pumpkin on the head and thank God that you are going to be a part of history. How will it change because of you?

God loves you,

Debbie

Hello... God? Are you up there?

Are you going through a time in your life when you need to hear God's voice?

Do you find yourself wishing that God used e-mail and could send you the following words of encouragement?

Hello my child.....I'm here....you are doing everything right and you are on the right track...keep going.....Love, God.

Wouldn't it be great to find that in your mailbox? How about this one.....


Hello my child.....I'm here....you are a little off course, but if you will just do what your sister says and not what your brother is telling you, everything will work out great.


I don't know how many times you have prayed for those e-mails - but I've prayed for them a lot!

Once reality sets in and we realize that there are no e-mails from God, we are left with only one question.....how can I be perfect in my choices.

Here's a few tips:

1. You can't ever be "perfect" in your choices. Concentrate on ones that will change your life. Who will I marry? How many children should I have? How can I avoid big diseases? What church will I attend? How many hours should I study my Bible?

I'm not sure God really cares if you live on 1st street on on 16th. He does care if you are overextended or if you are so selfish you won't give $2 to feed the poor.

For the choices that aren't that life changing, get all the information you can, pray, be wise and then do what you think is best.

For the choices that "are" life changing, get even more information - especially from people who will disagree with you. Pray AND fast. We wise and use a great tool.....be patient and wait a while to let the information sink in. Then make the best possible decision and pray for God's help in doing your best.

2. Remember that it's wise not to paint yourself in a corner if you can help it. Marriage and children are not choices that will leave you options so you must take more precaution than normal.

But with other choices, if you can leave some "wiggle" room and still be committed to your decision - that's just smart. For example, you follow the instructions above and you decide to go into business with a friend buying old houses and fixing them up for resale. Everything goes wrong and you are sure that if you continue with this venture you will not only use all your savings and possibly not be able to recoup anything - but it also might put you into debt or bankruptcy. If you have left some "wiggle" room, you might be able to pull out of it without further problems.

I've known people that make such a big deal about a possible move (new business, new job or new location) that when it doesn't work out they are too embarrassed to change back to their previous situation. If they had kept it quiet or at least said, "I may be back if it doesn't work out", the wiggle room would have allowed them to retreat with grace.

Besides, that type of wiggle room sometimes allows us to actually grow in the situation. Because we don't feel trapped, it's easier to look around and accept the lessons God is trying to teach us.

3. Realize that God's will often is more of a process than a specific road. For a clearer picture simply ask yourself - Why am I here?

If you believe that God put you here to get a job, find a spouse, have two kids, buy a house and then die --- God's will really doesn't matter.

But if you believe that God is trying to help you become the beautiful person he created you be...

to learn how you fit in the working of this world....

to know that the world around you is different because you were here....

to become more like Jesus....and to lead the way for others to find God...,

....then you are in a process not on a specific road.

With that type of thinking you can make most decisions on your own with the realization that you need to learn how to make those decisions and that you must be careful with them --- but you can make them.

With that type of thinking you will be able to see clearly which decisions will change your life or the lives of those you love. Since you aren't letting the little decisions stress you out, you can concentrate all of your energies on ones that do matter.

4. Be willing to see the value in U-turns. When someone asked Edison if he ever felt like a failure (it took something like 437 failures before he came up with the light bulb -(not in my office so I can't check the pure facts), he responded...I've never failed a day in my life. I simply know 437 ways NOT to make a light bulb.

That's how we should look at our life.
Don't be insincere about pain or sorrow.
Don't waste any part of any day being stupid about your life.
Don't you dare fly on auto pilot just letting life take you wherever the wind blows.
But do look at problems in your life as a learning tool for making better decisions in the future.

Accept where you are now. Do all you can to change your situation - if possible. And then use what you've learned to make better decisions in the future.

5. Do the one thing that makes all of life better. Pray for wisdom. Develop such a close relationship with God that you feel him guiding you all the way. Make sure you are willing to let Him guide you. Make sure that you can hear God's voice and that you will not only hear it - but heed it.

Ask God to help you become the best person you can be. A person that He can trust and a person that He would want as his best friend. Ask God to be closer to you that your dearest love. Then trust him as he leads you and helps you to grow.

I'll be praying for you.

God loves you,

Debbie

The Truth About Mistakes

Now that you understand that I'm not perfect......you are ready for why I push everyone to think about what you do and make as "few" mistakes as possible.

For some reason our society doesn't like to discuss possible mistakes. Oh, we love to crucify anyone that does make mistakes. We give those people all the media attention we can. And many times it's not fair.

Mike wrote me about Tammy Faye Messner. He said, "Aside from being a little loony at times, I believe that she was a truly good woman who really tried to live like Christ. From what I could see she was not judgmental and tried to love everyone.

I don't know if you ever saw the series on VH-1 called "the Surreal Life". Anyway she was on the show for one season. One of her housemates was porn star Ron Jeremy. He entered the situation with preconceived notions of how "Christians" acted and preached. Tammy, being Tammy embraced him as a person and loved him. She made it known what she thought of his career choices but stated that it was not up to her to judge but to love him and pray for him. She gained his respect and the respect of ALL of her housemates. Until her death, she and Ron Jeremy remained friends. She didn't see herself as any better than anyone else, she was just a sinner who was saved. What do you think?"

Mike, I think that all of us have made mistakes and need the forgiveness of others. I think many people in the public eye may not be as "bad" as we want to make them. I try never to judge a person by what the "media" says about them. About 20 years ago I watched as the media tried to destroy someone I knew. This person was totally innocent but was crucified none the less.

That brings me full circle to our topic today. Choices and mistakes will change our lives and how we are perceived by others. My son Ken stopped by on Monday and we had a long talk. I am proud of the choices Ken is making. He is trying to be sure that not only is he successful but that he is a man of character. He was reading the book "The Heart of the Artist" by Rory Noland. We marveled at the wisdom of one section.

Rory said that it was important not to confuse Reputation with Character. Reputation is what others think of you. Character is what you really are.

How true is that! And yet, we must be careful. We must allow our "wise" character to help make the choices that will protect and support a good reputation. We need both.

Unfortunately, most parents don't like to "inform" their children how to avoid mistakes. It is very important that we teach them how those mistakes will hurt them. Tammy Faye and a host of other personalities may be good people at heart, but how powerful would their lives have been if they had made other choices?

Mistakes will happen. Bad choices will occur. Feelings will be hurt. Children will suffer. Adults will have regrets. Life is not perfect.

But what we must understand is that EVERY mistake, EVERY bad choice will change our lives. Maybe only a fraction - but it will change our lives. That has nothing to do with forgiveness or compassion.

We can be forgiven for anything, but the consequences of our choice usually does not just disappear.

The parking space we choose at the mall is insignificant. What difference could it possibly make. None! Unless something happens to that car while we are in the mall. When it comes down to it, every choice has a consequence.

DO NOT GO THROUGH LIFE WORRYING ABOUT EVERY DECISION! That will put you in a rubber room. There are thousands of decisions that determine our lives but should not be considered of any importance other than to get us through the day.

We must realize however, that many choices will change the course of our lives. Life for all of us is a series of choices. And like dominoes, one choice can determine the availability of other choices.

When a teen chooses not to wait for marriage and begins sexual promiscuity, they are trading minutes of passion for a lifetime of opportunities. Parents need to make sure their teen understands that it doesn't matter how smart they are or how talented, making the choice for promiscuity can change their life.

How?

An unwanted pregnancy either puts a child in the adoption system or limits the opportunities of college and a good job. If abortion is chosen, the knowledge that a child died because of the their decision can lead to massive guilt complexes that will be a part of their entire life.

It could lead to a long list of diseases.

It WILL hurt your chances of a "good" marriage with suspicion, guilt and the overall inability to feel safe in love. After having so many fleeting sexual encounters 95% say they question and obsess over every one's attentions and question anyone who is sincere.

Our choices determine our lives.

I talked with a man that had a difficult life. He was quiet, reserved and seemed to be in complete control of his emotions and thoughts. As he revealed his story and the pain of his life seemed to overflow with his tears, I saw a completely different man.

He explained that he had a beautiful wife and an expensive home. He had a fantastic job and was on the road to great success. Climbing the ladder is full of pressures and most of time will demand that family take second place. As the pressures mounted at work and his new baby needed more time and medical care, it became too much for him to juggle. While his wife ran for groceries, he was going to work at home. The child was sick and cried - no, screamed without end. In a moment of frustration he shook the baby hoping to get his attention.

With tears streaming down his face and shoulders that bent under the weight of his pain, he whispered. "My child never cried again. I lost my job, my wife, my home and my will to live. One small choice ended everything." I hugged him and when he finally moved away he continued, "I go through the normal motions of a day. I find myself concentrating on the beauty found in the little things. That's how I survive." I smiled and tried to give him comfort.

"I have a secret wish."

"What's that?"

"I wish I could personally talk to everyone on the planet. Every parent, every child, every human being on this planet. If I could, I would tell them that the one decision that ended a life of promise didn't happen in that moment. It happened years before. Little decisions that I made put me on that path. Little decisions molded my attitude, my goals and the way I dealt with others. Little decisions changed my view of the world - and I'm sorry to say - it changed a part of my character. That change subtly allowed me to put my work ahead of those I loved. And that ultimately made it easier to take out my frustrations on my baby.

I wish everyone would stop and think, where will this choice take me? What road will it put me on that I won't be able to see where I'm going?"

We prayed and I hope I was able to give him some measure of comfort. But the reality for him and for millions like him is that nothing will bring his family back.

The most important thing you can teach your children is to weigh every decision and think carefully about their lives. No life will ever be what it could be if we fly through on auto pilot. Don't just teach your children good nutrition, how to study for good grades, hygiene and how to be athletic.

For the sake of their futures, teach your children how to think about choices. If I do this....where will it take me? If I choose that.....where will it take me?

Making choices is the most important thing you can teach your children. When you have done that, go to your knees in prayer. Mistakes will happen. You won't be perfect and neither will your children. Ask God to guide you and give you wisdom.

God loves you,

Debbie

Let me answer that !!!!

Okay. I've received a few e-mails so let me stress a very important point.

DEBBIE IS NOT PERFECT.......I HAVE MESSED UP MANY TIMES.......AT LEAST 20% OF MY VOCABULARY IS BASED ON DIFFERENT WAYS OF SAYING "I'M SORRY!"

No way do I do everything right. But the goal I live by is to strive to do things right. I will never be perfect. My desire is a lofty but unattainable goal. I strive to do my best and get as close as possible to perfection before I die. My life is half over and I'm not as far as I would like to be....but I'm still trying.

"Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect." -- Matt. 5:48

There are many more verses on perfection.

There's also a contradicting verse.

"All have sinned, and come short of the glory of God." -- Rom. 3:23

Many people want to lean on the verses that say we are not perfect. We are only humans. I hate that saying. It's a cop out that allows us to fail. If we say or do the wrong thing all we have to do to right the wrong is to announce, "Well, I'm only human." I like what Dr. Laura Schlessinger says,

"You know the final excuse that really gets my hackles to full quivering attention? It's when callers protest that they are "only human." ONLY human? As if one's humanness were a blueprint for instinctive, reflexive reactions to situations, like the rest of the animal kingdom. I see being "human" as the unique opportunity to use our mind and will to act in ways that elevate us above the animal kingdom."

So which is it? How can we be perfect and yet know that we have all sinned? How can anyone find assurance in their decisions?


B A L A N C E

Boy, I say that word a lot don't I? Maybe I do because it is the only logical solution to any problem.

Should we discipline our child? -- yes and no! Yes at times and No at other times because the need to show compassion is greater than the need to correct.


Should we ever get angry? -- yes and no! Yes at times when we need to take a stand for what is right and no at times when we could cause more extensive problems or damage a person's spirit.


Should we lie? -- no and no and well maybe a little with compassion. WHAT??? No we shouldn't lie. But if telling Aunt Bertha the truth that her new yellow dress makes her 300 pound body look like a New York taxi -- maybe we should find nicer ways to respond.


B A L A N C E


Should we judge? No, yet there are times to analyze another person's lifestyle for application to our own.

Should we compare ourselves to others? No, not if it's with a critical eye that damages our own self-esteem. Should we compare to see if there is any way we can improve our own lives - yes.


It's all about balance.

My life is full of rules. Rules make me feel comfortable. Rules have helped me live a wonderful life and have kept me from tragedies that others have suffered. But I realize that rules are made to be broken. And there are times when breaking those rules makes our lives fuller and richer. The key is knowing when.

No running in the house......unless there's a fun new puppy to chase.
No squirt guns in the house......unless it's a hot summer and Mom is chasing you with her own super soaker.
Never break a promise to a friend.....unless it means telling someone that they are contemplating suicide.

Rules are made to be broken - but they can become dangerous if you don't know when it's right and when it's wrong.

A teen commits herself to abstinence and then feels bad when her boyfriend begs that all he wants to do is show her how much he loves her - stick to the rule or give in? Everyone else is doing it.

How can we achieve balance?

Prayer. Acquiring knowledge. Prayer. Practicing compassion. Prayer. Being an understanding person. Prayer. And more prayer for WISDOM.

(You did catch the PRAYER thing didn't you?)

"Wisdom is better than rubies; and all things that may be desired are not to be compared to it."
-- Prov. 8:11

Wisdom in my life has both protected me and led me. I pray daily for wisdom.


Looking back on my life I have made some huge mistakes. Each of my children still suffer from mistakes I've made in raising them.

I've tried to learn from each mistake, study even harder and pray that God will continually change me so that I can see his will and allow my life to light the path for others.

I hope I am doing that for you.

I love you,

God loves you,

Debbie

Love is not Free

Hello everyone.....it's good to be back.

I've been helping a family for the last few days as well as dealing with some TMJ issues. I haven't been able to write and I've missed you!

Today's thought may be long, but I promise it will help you.

I'd like to talk to you about one of the major dragons that destroy relationships. We live in a society that worships the God of freedom. We have a huge mess in our government and social interactions because we promote the idea that everyone must be free to do anything they choose.

Freedom is a wonderful thing. We all need to feel the wind in our face and the sun on our backs. We need those moments in life when we don't have a care in the world and instead feel like we could soar. Great moments. But that's the problem - it should and must be just moments.

When you get the idea that the entire span of your life should be free - you become selfish and your life will be riddled with bad relationships and lonely unfulfilled goals. NO ONE can be totally free. That doesn't exist.

Why? Because the old saying is true. "YOUR FREEDOM STOPS WHERE MINE BEGINS." And if you don't believe that, you become the only free person on the planet.

In a love relationship, whether it be parent to child, boyfriend to girlfriend, girl to girl, employee to boss, member to pastor, citizen to government - no matter what the relationship true freedom doesn't exist.

"But Debbie, that can't be fair. We all need someone we can bear our souls to. We all need to be honest and truthful. Are you saying there is no one that can know our inner thoughts?"

You got it. At least no one here on earth can be totally free with us. You do understand that I am talking about "total freedom". I'm not talking about the secrets we have with our friends or the honest bare most of it talks with a loved one. I'm talking about the kind of "total freedom" that speaks total honesty never taking into consideration another person's feelings.

"Well, who does that?"

A lot of people. In fact, that's where most feelings are hurt and where most arguments begin. We say something that we think is being honest and the recipient gets hurt. Or we are angry about our jobs and so we take it out on our spouse or the children or the house. We really don't care about the messy room, but we fuss because we are mad about our job. That's when the family unit begins to suffer. The person imposing the hurt now feels guilty and screams, "Ahhh....I can't be honest with you." or "Why can't I find someone that will let me be me? Why can't I find someone that understands my pain and let's me just vent?"

Because my uninformed friend - that kind of battered sounding board doesn't exist.

When in your anger or frustration or simply irritated personality you say something that hurts the person listening - or that they take personally because it may apply to them - you instantly change the relationship.

For example, a young man is weight conscious. He is walking down the mall with his fiance. He sees a 9-month pregnant woman and remarks angrily, "How can someone look at that and not be disgusted? She looks horrible. I wish people like that would stay home." It's not directed at the fiance and when she is appalled by the remark, he says - "Well, when it's our baby it will be different." Will she ever forget it? Probably not.

Will she be stressed out and worried when she is pregnant? Probably. (Should she go ahead and marry that jerk - no way! - it's sad, but this example is real.)


In order to navigate through relationships, we must understand some very important realities.


STOP - CHANGE GEARS - This blog is about the offending person. Let me stop and say this for the listener. It is important that you understand that there will be times when someone does need a simple "poor baby". They have been hurt or offended by a situation and don't need your preaching. At that moment they simply need a poor baby. What I'm talking about today is the person who has gone way beyond needing a simple "poor baby".

Now let's go back to looking at the realities for an angry person who just wants to vent the majority of the time.

1. No one, not even a good counselor can listen to you vent your anger for very long. If they care about you there will come a point when the anger and the hurtful words (even if they aren't directed toward the listener) will dig into their heart and hurt them AND will begin to destroy the relationship.

We need periods of quiet calm, stroking, laughter, kindness, peace and the logical progression toward a resolution. If you are angry more than twice a week or on average 4-6 times a month - get some help. You are spending too much time being angry and it will change your relationships with those around you.

There is a time for Anger. There is a time for negative thinking. But if it is a major part of your life....it's hurting you as well as the people that love you. If the anger and frustration you feel IS directed toward the people that love you, it will hurt your relationships.

2. If you whine all the time about your life. Do something about it. Don't blame others. Unless you are being held hostage - your life is a reflection of your choices. If you don't like it - change it.

3. Watch people's faces. If you start whining about your life or if you begin to vent your anger and their faces glaze over or they look away - something is wrong.

4. ********BIG NEWS ******** Pay attention to who you love being around! If you have trouble with someone that is always negative and always angry - don't be too surprised when others have trouble with those same traits in you. I always giggle when the angry person is so complimentary of the calm person who knows when to share and when not to. If you like that person - why not try to be like them or at the very least, learn from them?

It boggles my mind at the times people have complained - "I can't stand being around that person, they are always complaining and angry about something." But, within two sentences, they are doing the exact same thing.....Duh!

The best advice for good relationships with others is to compare yourself to others. What you don't like in them - other people won't like in you!

5. Don't expect your family, friends and loved ones to be your over comer. Do expect them to love you and to be your sounding board.

Here's what I mean by that. Spouses, family and friends all love you. They want to be there for you and to help you. That means they want to be called when you are in trouble. They will help you clean your house, mow your yard or even help you figure out how to deal with your boss. They will give you a shoulder to cry on or maybe even join in the fuss when someone has been mean to you. But your spouses, family and friends all love you enough that they want you to get better. They want to see progress. They want to help you achieve the goal, win the prize and overcome the problem.

They can't do it for you. They can't remove the irritant. They can't stop the pain, get the job, find the girl, make everything right. They can listen and love - but their love will want to put you on the road to success.

Why wouldn't they? Have you ever heard someone say - "I love you so much I want you to continue to suffer?"

Unfortunately most people do say the following:

"I want to be totally free and that means I can say any hurtful thing I want and you have to take it, knowing that I don't mean it about you. Don't ask me to lay down my pain or change anything I'm doing. Just listen and poor baby me - even if I'm making poor choices. Oh, and if I lash out at you because I'm frustrated, you aren't allowed to take up for yourself. And don't you dare tell me I'm doing anything wrong. That's what the person I'm mad at is doing and I don't want to hear it from you. What I need is a friend I can be totally honest with and never have to deal with the consequences of hurt feelings."

Hummm........Let me see the hands of anyone that would "choose" a relationship on those terms. I thought Elvis Presley was the living end when I was a teen, but I wouldn't want a relationship with him on those terms.

The truth of the matter is that there are some ideas, problems, thoughts that I will only share with God. I have released a few others that I will only share with my husband. There's a few more that I "might" share with my children or parents. And no way would I "bare it all" with a friend.

When I do choose to share, I do it by choosing my words carefully. That's important.

Why? Relationships are ACTION - REACTION - ACTION

Whatever you say or do with someone will bear an action or reaction. You do it or say it and they will react to it. It may be with kindness, but it is placed in their memory banks and will be used to judge your future actions. That's why it's so important not to damage a relationship. Yes, we can forgive - but God is the only being that can truly forget. We may choose not to react to the thing we forgave, but we will still remember it and it will be a part of our future decision making.

And that my friend is why Love is not free.

Once you hurt someone you love, it can be forgiven - but it probably will never be forgotten. Even if they are smart enough to never mention it and have dealt with it so completely that their love for you is truly pure. Should the situation arise again guess what ugly monster will shuffle to the forefront of their brain?

When we yell at our children or hurt them in some way we can apologize. We can shower them with gifts. We can hug them for days after - but the infraction is still there.

Humans are like computers - without the delete button. That's why it is so important not to hurt feelings in the first place.

Let's say you've never done anything really bad. But you are frustrated, tired and just plain disappointed with life. Those feelings cause you to yell, fuss and get angry about the slightest infraction that comes your way.

Should those around you understand how difficult your life is? Yes

Should your family and friends be comforting and loving? Yes

Should they try to help you get out of your problems? Perhaps

Will your "freedom of expression"(depending on the intensity) change the way they see you? Definitely!



"Okay Debbie, but are we supposed to go around being dishonest? Isn't that a sick relationship too?"

Of course it is. Here's the secret. BALANCE

In all things have balance. When I talk with adults about their childhood, I've heard about some horrible situations. But in the families where good times and relationships were the normal, horrible situations were talked about with love, forgiveness and compassion.

In families where dysfunction was a daily experience and love and compassion was an occasional happening - those adults remembered the truly horrible days with pain and many times rejection of the individual.

So what is the answer?

Understand that the saying, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you" is brilliant! Live by it!

Work to be sure that when you need to be honest that it is done with the greatest of care for the individual that is listening. In other words don't bite the person that is there to help you.

Realize that "LOVE" wants to be there for you even during the angry times of your life. Don't shut them out. But don't let your vent of anger "hurt" the person that is trying to love you.

Be willing to change. When we are angry we usually can't see the cause of the problem. When you calm down, be willing to accept the responsibility for any part of the problem that might be your own. Share that with your sounding board so you both can rejoice in your progress.

And most important. If there is someone that is constantly your sounding board - don't forget to say thank you and give them lots of hugs. It's a hard thankless job. Make sure they know you appreciate it.

When all is said and done remember the great admiration Jesus had for those that are willing to help others.

"Withhold not good from them to who it is due, when it is in the power of thine hand to do it."
--Prov. 3:27

"A word spoken in due season, how good it is!" -- Prov. 15:23

"Strengthen ye the weak hands, and confirm the feeble knees." ---Isa. 35:3

"Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me." -- Matt. 25:40

"Bear ye one another's burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ." --Ga. 6:2

"Comfort yourselves together, and edify one another." -- 1 Thess. 5:11

The words of Jesus that we all should live by:

"As ye would that men should do to you, do ye also to them likewise." --Luke 6:31

In other words, we have a responsibility to our relationships. We are not free to make our needs more important than the feelings of others. As we share our lives we must also be kind and tender to those we love. Love is the best feeling in the world. But Love is not free. We must protect it and give our best as much as possible. Christ did. He expects no less from us.

God loves you,

Debbie

Do you live with GUILT?

When is guilt proper?

I talk a lot about responsibility and the fact that you shouldn't blame others for something that is truly your fault. Yet I've also said that "debilitating" guilt - the kind that hurts you or keeps you from living a stress free life - is wrong.

So how do you tell the difference?

That's very simple. Who has the power?

If you had the power to make the decision that would "absolutely- totally and completely" have changed the outcome - then it's your responsibility and you should feel guilty. Seconds after that feeling you should do the following: ask for forgiveness, forgive yourself, do what you can to fix the situation and go on leaving guilt behind.

If you do not have "absolute" control of the situation then it is quite possible that a change in your choices would not have completely solved the problem. They may have led others to a different choice and for that you should feel "partially" responsible, a little guilty, but again, ask for forgiveness, forgive yourself, do what you can to "help" fix the situation - if the others involved are willing to let you - and then go on leaving guilt behind.

If you had "NO CONTROL" over the situation and all you could offer was advice - it will help your feelings later if you do offer good advice - but with "NO CONTROL" over the decision making process you cannot allow yourself to feel guilty. There was nothing you could do to change the situation and therefore there should be no guilt.

For parents, this is a hard one. If you know you have done all you can to raise a responsible child and yet you watch them make poor decisions and suffer because of it - it's often hard not to look through your past to find some reason for it to be your fault. We don't want to blame our children so we look for ways to blame ourselves. DO NOT DO THAT!!!! Even when you hate watching them suffer and it hurts you to the core - don't let yourself feel guilty for their mistakes.

There are times when children or young adults simply need to make a mistake so they will learn to trust the advice of others. We can work to make that easier by letting them try their hand at decision making while they live with us. But sometimes, they will need the knowledge that only experience and a few hard knocks will give them. That is incredibly hard for loving parents to watch, especially when we know we can't fix it when they ask for help. But....sometimes that's the heavy heart we must endure. We should not add guilt to that experience.

As far as marriages are concerned, it gets even harder. We want to believe that our love will cover every problem. We are taught this from the time we are small. "Love covers a multitude of sins." How many times have you heard that? But the problem is, that phrase is talking about spiritual issues. God's love does cover all our sins. Our love for each other can not and will not cover sins. You may think it will, but it only hides them and lets them fester until they show up later uglier than ever.

What we must understand about love and marriage is that it's a computer with no delete button. Therefore be careful about your actions to the other person. Those actions create reactions that can come back and bite you. If you have done all you can to be the person God wants you to be to your spouse - don't feel guilty because you can't love him/her out of their sin. They must be responsible for their own actions. Holding them responsible doesn't lessen your love.

Your working environment is a hodge podge of problems. With more individuals involved and more chances for different percentages of guilt, it's harder to determine where the "decision" making power lies. Ask yourself these questions:

"Did I give 100% today?" If you did, then don't feel guilty.

"Did I do all of my work by myself and try to do the best with the knowledge and expertise that I had?" If you did, then don't feel guilty.

"Did I deal with others in the same way I would like to be dealt with?" If you did, then don't feel guilty.

"Was I in any way sick, depressed, tired or pushed around by others?" If you were then you have a reason for not being 100%, so don't feel guilty.

The best way to avoid guilt and depression is to work to be the highest quality person that you possibly can. Most guilt is a response to the sub-conscious knowledge that we did not do our best.

Hold the bar high. Constantly try to be better. Don't look at others and what they are doing. Look within yourself, properly analyze your own abilities and then do the best you can with those. Understand that we can't be perfect in any area and we can't be best in all areas. For example, I know that I have exceptional talents with children. I understand psychology and can be above average in my relationships. But I also know that I do not have the ability or expertise to work with severely abnormal psychology or the severely handicapped. I simply can't do it. My sympathy gets in the way and I get depressed and frustrated. I'm not going to feel guilty about it - it's just a knowledge of what I can do and what I can't do. We need to deal with all of life in that same way.

We all should have necessary knowledge of relationships and how to handle them. That's in the same category as learning proper hygiene or learning to drive. Spend time learning how to make others feel good and how to develop strong relationships. Try putting others first as much as possible and tell yourself that rewards are not what people say but how they treat you. When you've done all you can to be a person above reproach, trust God that he will bless your life and your relationships. If there's an area where you can't find release, then distance yourself for a while and ask for God's wisdom. Like my example, don't try to pass yourself off as "all wise and all knowing" in relationships if that is hard for you. Take a deep breath and allow others to help you cultivate the areas that are hard for you.

If I was put in a situation where I had to work with a severely handicapped or psychologically abnormal individual, I would do my best to be all I could be in that "relationship." But, I would also understand that I may make mistakes that others wouldn't because they were more gifted. I would refuse to feel guilty knowing that I was doing my best and I would subject myself to advice from others.

When you've done all you feel is humanly possible, when you've obeyed the rules and treated others fairly, when you've been an honorable person - rest easy and leave the guilt behind.

Helpful Tip: If you weigh your actions carefully, you can avoid the problems of guilt by not reacting out of emotional stress. Keep yourself logical and ask questions before jumping to conclusions. Investigate all situations. Get proper - well qualified advice. The best way to avoid guilt is to avoid rash emotional decisions. Don't fly on auto pilot. Think about every moment of every day. And then as they say - Go out and make it a good one!

God loves you,

Debbie