Children want to Obey

I have never met a child who doesn't want to obey his parents.

Sounds like a ridiculous statement doesn't it? But it's true.

Disruptive or out of control children have never failed to let me know through counseling that they don't want to disobey. It's not their choice to be a discipline problem but something or someone has created so much pain in their lives that they feel they have "no" choice.

Parents must always remember that they are dealing with "inexperienced" individuals. We must be aware of the age related abilities of our children. They don't look at life in the same way we do. They don't have wisdom about outcomes or consequences. They are plagued with fears and half-truths. While we think in a straight line of cause vs. outcome - their little minds will take them around every bend and present temptations all along the way.

Most of the time acting out or being a discipline problem is a result of fear. They know they should comply but something has hurt them and they just don't know how to comply and handle the pain. For example, Tom - an adult executive - has to take classes to learn how to speak in public. We don't tease him, instead we pat him on the back. "Good Job, Tom. Don't you feel better for doing something about your fear."

Yet, when our child is reprimanded by the teacher for not speaking up in class, we join in. "What's the matter with you. What's so hard about raising your hand and answering a question?" Since our child wants to please us, they promise to try. If teasing or failure is the result - they slip into the zone of "I don't care. I'm different. I can't do this. If I'm so lame, I might as well just let it all go including my temper."

Some adults think it would be easier to take the stress or problem away rather than teach the child to handle it. Making school so easy that even the laziest child can get a good grade defeats everyone in the classroom.

The real answer is training. The only way to truly help our children is to take the time to ask questions. "This seems hard for you. What's going on? Are you afraid? Does this make you feel bad?"

If there is a problem, you must be ready with an answer or at the very least you be committed to find a way to help your child overcome his/her fears.

Once you design your plan, be sure and follow it with comforting hugs and compliments like, "Good job Sarah! I knew you could do it! I'm so proud of you for trying!" Be your child's cheerleader and biggest supplier of hugs!

Understanding where our children are and looking at life from their level will always be more successful than trying to "force" them into compliance. Training and understanding is your greatest tool.

God loves you,

Debbie

Songs for a "public" child

I'm looking out my office window at a beautiful summer sky. The afternoon sun rays are making shadow pictures on my wall. The cloudless sky is a quiet baby blue while a soft breeze ruffles the American flag in our front yard. Squirrels are rushing to find nuts and a tiny ground squirrel is pulling hard on an apple that has fallen near his home.

It just doesn't resemble the kind of brisk fall day that suggests the children should return to school. Next week, the buses will be growling and the kids will scurry around fussing about the need to start so early. Some children will be excited and talking a mile a minute. Others will rub their eyes and wish they had just one more hour of sleep. Still others will try to fade into the seat where hopefully no one will notice their anxiety.

Once upon a time, going to school was warm and inviting for children. Now it's a little more like basic training and a little less like Sunday School.

It's our job as parents to prepare our children for this yearly journey. There's a lot we can do to support their self-esteem and keep them energized about school. While we are doing all we can for their self-esteem, school supplies, proper clothes, money for activities, money for fun times, tutoring, being the house for friends and giving them spiritual and moral guidance - don't forget the songs.

Wake your children with "good" music. Music that not only energizes but builds strong character as well. It's been proven that not only is classical music soothing, but it also builds a child's ability to understand math. Listening to classical music can up their points in math class by 25%. That's huge!

While we are supporting all those things for our children don't forget the songs that carry them into battle. Songs like "David & Goliath", Roll the Chariot" and "Be careful little hands what you do." Just in case you don't remember that one, here's how it goes.

Oh, be careful little hands what you do.

Oh, be careful little hands what you do.

For the Father up above is looking down in love

So be careful little hands what you do.

The other verses are the same with these changes....

Oh, be careful little ears what you hear.

Oh be careful little feet where you go.

Oh, be careful little eyes what you see. (Parents should sing this verse while picking out movies to rent.)

When my children entered their teen years I used to sing this one as I prayed for them...

Oh, be careful little hearts who you love.

Oh, be careful little hearts who you love.

For the Father up above, designed a mate for you,

Oh, be careful little hearts who you love.

Let's all join together in song and prayer for our children as they start the new school year.

"I pray dear Father for every parent that they will have wisdom and strength to handle this year with your love and compassion. I pray for every child that you will protect them and keep them strong in you. May they have a productive year full of promise and joy. Let your love cover them in every circumstance."

God loves you,

Debbie

Don't send your children to school without.....

I stopped by the local Chick-fil-A for lunch the other day. I was meeting a friend and we were a little early. By the time we had our food and settled in our table, the free standing restaurant was overflowing with tired moms and cranky children. With only a week left until the start of school, it was apparent that school shopping was the sport of the day.

Since I didn't have a diaper bag or even a purse full of wipes and match box cars, I was free to sit back and listen to the bustle. I was happy to hear several parents talking with their children and trying to encourage them about first day jitters. Some parents were avoiding the subject and concentrating on the purchases they made. Some children were helping to plan the strategy of where to look for their favorite item.

A family sitting in the corner caught my eye. Mom looked worried and her face revealed that her thoughts were a thousand miles away. Her daughter sat quietly munching on a chicken nugget and watching those around her. A child at the table next to her screamed with laughter and the little girl jumped and hid behind her mother's arm.

There's nothing wrong with being shy or being distracted while eating. There is something wrong with training your child to be "afraid" of the world. I don't pretend to know what was going on within that family - it could be some tragedy had just devastated them or they had been sick for a while....there could be so many normal and proper reasons for their seemingly out of it look.

It did make me think about the most important thing your child needs for school. You can purchase $5,000 of "cool" clothes. You can buy all the right school supplies. You can make sure they are on the "in" teams or participating in the "right" type of activities. You can work hard to be sure they know the Savior and that they attend a church that promotes their youth....

Without this all important "thing" your child will have problems at school.

School is a mixture of the best in our society, the mediocre and unfortunately the worst. Your child will meet all kinds and will have to deal with all types of situations, beliefs and personalities. He/she must have the one tool that can help them stay afloat.

A good self-esteem is the most important tool for your child's success.

Self-esteem is not about being sassy or being able to fight. Self-esteem is not about being popular or standing out in the crowd. A quiet, shy person can have a healthy self-esteem.

Self-esteem is living as if you know your true value. The value that children know and live by is based on the value parents place on their lives.

Do you stop your world and talk to them like adults? Do you value the problems they are having or do you brush it off as unimportant? Do you belittle them with negative statements like - "you're so lazy" or "you can't do anything right"? Do you appreciate the wonderful talents and gifts God has given your child? Are you working to build those talents and gifts?

These and many other activities will determine the self-esteem of your child. Get involved in their lives. Hug them at least 10 times a day. Don't forget to tell them how wonderful they are and what a fantastic plan God has for their lives.

When you kiss them good-by at the door, send them off to school with a healthy dose of self-esteem. A strong self-esteem is their best protection for a bright future.

God loves you,

Debbie

An Inspiring Week-end

Ron and I had a ball celebrating our anniversary. We puttered around Amish country and took our time at meals to discuss our 34 years together. When you choose properly and you are fortunate enough to marry the right person - life can be an absolute joy!

We did spend a lot of time talking about the opening ceremony of the Olympics. If you have the opportunity to get a copy of the ceremony - do so! If not, at least Google it and look at the pictures. It was a tribute to creativity, imagination and the ability to reach any goal if you are dedicated! I'm not a sports person but I was mesmerized. (check out www.mommydetective.blogspot.com for more thoughts on the subject.)

Too many times in our society and unfortunately in our churches we are given the call to mediocrity. We are told we must take the "excellence required" and dumb it down for those who "won't" be disciplined.

I don't believe that when Jesus appeared on this earth that his message was, "I understand that you are human and will never achieve so don't worry about it - you don't have to try."

I believe instead that his message went something like this.....

John 10:10 The thief cometh not, but for to steal, and to kill, and to destroy: I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly.

Gen. 17:1 Be Thou Perfect.

Matthew 5:48 Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect.

2 Cor. 13:11 Be perfect, be of good comfort, be of one mind, live in peace; and the God of love and peace shall be with you.


I could go on...but you get the idea. I know God understands that we are human and he is more than willing to forgive our struggles, but I believe Jesus was sent as an example. It was as if God was saying....

"Okay all you humans. I know that living a good life is hard for you (thanks to Satan) but I want you to know it's not impossible. You can still be all I created you to be.
I'm sending you my son for two reasons. If he can do it - so can you. You can resist the urges of Satan and you can win over all evil temptations. And for those times when it seems impossible - Jesus will give you the power you need to overcome."

The best advice for being your best is to never look down! Don't look at people who aren't making it or who have issues in their life. Don't listen to those that will tell you mediocrity is good enough.

Look up! Look at those that are achieving. Strive to be like someone that is at least one more rung up the ladder. When you've made it and your standing beside them on that ladder - look up once more and find another person to watch and keep you motivated.

Before you know it, you will climb father than you ever imagined!

God loves you,

Debbie

Happy Anniversary

Tomorrow Ron and I will celebrate our 34th wedding anniversary. Nothing Big, just a quiet celebration of contentment.

Ron is truly my soul mate. Together we have had a wonderful life and marriage. There have been times of struggle - but mostly with the complications of life - never with our marriage. He tells me I am his excitement. I tell him that he is my strength. We compliment each other and we rarely fight. I allow him to be who he is and he accepts my quirks and who I am. We are united in our hopes, dreams and beliefs and we stand together as we face the world.

There is nothing I wouldn't do for Ron. He is the finest man I've ever known. Ron is a devout Christian, unwavering in devotion to his family, dedicated to the highest moral character and dependable without reservation. Ron is extremely quiet and I am an outspoken motormouth.

When I spoke to a class of denominational executives and their spouses, Ron surprised me. When I asked for comments or questions he stood and smiled. As tears filled his eyes he said, "My purpose in life is to be her supporter. I am proud of her and I will do whatever I can to see that she accomplishes all that God wants her to be. It is the job of all spouses to support each other and to be as involved in their goals as we are in our own."

I was stunned. Ron compliments me in private but rarely has anything to say in public. I choked back tears and quickly ended the class. From that day until now, anytime I'm discouraged I remember his powerful words. They came from his heart and they represent a confirmation that my work is important.

Of all the things married couples do and of all the activities we participate in the most important one is to let our spouse know they have our support.

Have you had a supportive talk with your spouse lately? To help Ron and I celebrate our 34 years, I hope you will find a few minutes this week-end to give your spouse a hug and tell them how much they mean to you. Let them know that their dreams and goals are important and that you are committed to their success.

Love isn't something you say.....true love is something that you do!

Happy Anniversary Ron!

Fireflies

I sat on my front porch at dusk to catch a few moments of peace and quiet. My mind was filled with the writings of the day, the phone call for help and the supper dishes that called. I took a deep breath and whispered, "I need you Lord. Shine your light on me."

I heard the buzz of a hummingbird as he made his way around the edge of the porch and landed on the feeder. The leaves of the oak rustled with a fresh wind. The porch swing added a sing song squeak as I rocked back and forth on my heals. The sun dropped from view as I continued to swing and allow my cares to float away. One nagging problem was lodged in my thinking. I couldn't budge it from my thoughts.

"Just let go. God will take care of it. Let it ride away on the wind," I prayed.

As I opened my eyes the dance began. It was as if God was orchestrating a beautiful show before me. 30-40 Fireflies were having a party. The swing stopped and I held my breath watching the beautiful display.

I remembered the joy and wonder of seeing these magnificent little creatures when I was little. While grown-ups sat in porch rockers, talked and moaned on about life, I would dangle my feet over the porch edge and try to catch the fireflies that came close. Several times in bare feet I would run around the yard chasing the tiny flashlights. The grass was cool and soft and I felt free and giddy. I wondered if I caught enough and put them in a jar, would they light a room?

I continued to swing and watch the display until every care from my busy day was gone. I did a little research and found that fireflies are a miracle from God.

In fireflies light production is due to a chemical reaction called bio luminescence, which occurs in specialized light-emitting organs usually on the lower abdomen. The light they produce is called "cold light" and contains no ultraviolet or infrared rays. Scientist are amazed that the lighting process has an efficiency of up to 96%. In other words, all of the energy used actually produces the light with very little producing by products such as heat. In contrast, an electric bulb can convert only 10 % of energy into light and the rest is heat.

I smiled at the possibility that this little creature was a tiny reflection of God himself. So often in my life I've needed to see or feel God. I've needed just a bit of encouragement that would reach into my frenzied life and give hope. Tiny little bugs in my front yard seemed to say...,

(LIGHT) "Look at me, Debbie. I shouldn't be able to do this but with God's help I can." (LIGHT)

(LIGHT) "Hey Debbie, my light shines bright just like the love of God." (LIGHT)

(LIGHT) "I can light up the world yet look how very small I am." (LIGHT)

(LIGHT) "When God uses us, even if we are less than an inch, we can accomplish big things." (LIGHT)

(LIGHT) "Being what God has called you to be will give you and others great joy." (LIGHT)

I hope you will take a lesson from the firefly and let God use you today to be all he created you to be. If you do, you just might light up the world!

God loves you,


Debbie

Jansen news and finding a mate

I love the look of the new website! I hope you will too. The address is the same, http://www.debbiejansen.com/

We are busy adding to the website and when it's totally finished it will have many more pictures along with 40 pages of text. I love the format. It's now possible for me to change or add to any of the information. So....if you see something that you would like to know more about or would like to see expanded....just let me know.

I hope to have the new blogs completed soon. I've decided to maintain only three.

This is my main blog and you will see most of my writing here. I haven't changed the address so only the design is new. Did you know you can subscribe to a reader that will alert you anytime I add to this blog? Check the subscribe button or send me an e-mail and I'll get you started.

"Mommy Detective" will include specific examples of how to solve problems within the family unit. I hope you will participate and send questions about specific topics. All names and information will be kept confidential. Also, you may be asked to be in my next book Mommy Detective. I hope to have it finished by next spring.

"Just Write" will finally get more attention. It's a blog for writers and will include many "guest" authors.

My new book, Discipline Exposed will be released in October. I'm extremely excited about this book. It's a hard punch at why some forms of discipline work and why others do not. If you want a quick no-nonsense approach that will help you find success in your home - pre-order my book today!

Under Resources on the website you will find other helpful tools. I will be adding new tools to this tab over the next few months.

I hope you are having a wonderful summer. I am having a ball with all the new changes. Amie has returned to Ohio to live with her brother Jamie. Since she moved all of her stuff to his house, I was able to turn her room into a nice office. Having a functional place to write makes it much easier.

Amie is going to be Jamie's secretary while she goes to school full time. She is excited about attending school during the day. She will graduate in December '09. She will also be working part time for me. Yes! She will be a busy gal. If you ask her how busy she will smile and say - "Never too busy to find Mr. Right." (ha ha)

Jamie is breaking all records with his business. He has become one of the premiere photographers in this area. He is extremely busy with the growth of his business. He is finally beginning to see improvement since his accident and is busy trying to drop the weight caused by sitting in a wheelchair for four months. He is so glad Amie is helping him and thinks she will be hard to replace. He smiles and says, "While she's looking for Mr. Right, I'm keeping my eye out for Miss Right."

Ken is busy too with his job at Crossroads Community Church. He is music director for the main campus and oversees the other three locations. He is taking the church to another level with his music and wants to see "true worship" change lives. When we are on the phone together he listens to his siblings comments and then says, "I just keep wondering where Miss Right is. I'm ready for her - but she must need better directions."

Ron and I will celebrate our 34th wedding anniversary on August 9th. I have had a wonderful marriage of love, excitement and pure joy. Marriage can either make or break your life. I've seen young people marry when it was obvious they were unsuited for each other. They do all they can to make it work and are committed to staying together. They seem determined to endure a bad situation and to make it as good as possible. I am proud of them for that kind of effort and I believe that all married couples should make a commitment and do their best to stand by it.

However, so many couples today are not reaching their potential in life simply because of their marriage. I've often said, "Be careful who you marry - they will determine your life." I've watched individuals with great talent marry someone who doesn't share their passion. It doesn't take long until the barbs and negative jabs at their passion causes them to lay it down and move on. We need supportive mates to be all that God wants us to be. Pursuing a passion takes determination and strength. Being pulled down by your spouse is often a pain that's impossible to overcome.

My greatest blessing has been Ron. He is my strength. When the job seems overwhelming and I'm not sure I can continue, he lifts me up and provides the help and encouragement I need. Any success I have is because of his love and support.

If you are single and looking for God's mate for you - make sure he/she shares your passions. If he/she doesn't, they can be the tool Satan uses to stop you from being all God wants you to be.

God loves you,

Debbie