How children help Adults

Yesterday I explained what children will NOT do for you.

Today I want to explain what children WILL do for you.

"Lo, children are a heritage of the Lord; and the fruit of the womb is his reward." Psa. 127:3

"Children's children are the crown of old men; and the glory of children are their fathers."Prov. 17:6

"Suffer the little children, and forbid them not, to come unto me; for of such is the kingdom of heaven." Matt. 19:14

Not only are children the way we populate this earth, but there is something so wonderful about them that Jesus declares those qualities extend into heaven - his home. So why are they to be our crowning glory and what do they offer adults?

1. They will change the world. And because we have the ability to bend the reed in the direction of good, our job as parents becomes the most important thing we can do. Money, fame, good looks, popularity, achievements...none of those things will come close to the importance of raising children destined to change the world at large or their small portion of the world.

In our children we will find answers that comfort us about the future. I have trouble watching the news. I make myself watch so that I have an eye on the world. But it troubles my heart and I often finish a program with sadness.

I experienced a different America. I wish my grandchildren (whenever that comes) would inherit the strong America I loved. Yes, there were problems. But the majority of people were involved in Patriotism, Christianity, having close-knit traditional families and making the future better. We had hope in the future.

Too many older citizens are hopeless about America's future. They express that hopelessness by withdrawal and praying that Christ will come preventing the future they fear. That hopelessness has caused great apathy. They don't feel there's anything they can do.

There is plenty for all of us to do. Even one family can make a difference in the future.

Children are our hope for the future. How we raise them, what we promote in our homes, how we lead them to Christ and live the life before them as well as how we leave them with a desire to change their world - all will determine our futures. Children can and will change the world.

Let him sleep....for when he wakes, he will move mountains. --
Napoleon

Our job then is more important than anything a democratic candidate can say, more important that the president of your company and their dealings, more important than finding new oil -- raising a child that will continue to work for the good of all is more important than anything anyone anywhere could ever do!

Just knowing you are there keeps a smile in my heart.

2. Children are our ticket to see beauty and experience the world with awe. If an author wants to express pure joy or elation over something small, more times than not he will relate it to the eyes of a child. Children find wonder and beauty in the smallest creation. As in the play Peter Pan, parents who allow their children to help them see the wonders of the world - will have a ticket to pure joy and serenity.

In the 70's there was a psychologist that proclaimed a cure for the plague of depression and anxiety felt by high-pressured executives. His cure was to bring them to a huge camp in Switzerland for a month. He would dress them like children and required them to become a child for that month. They played tag and jumped rope. They took morning naps and afternoon naps. They sat in circles while listening to elementary stories. They were encouraged to scream, giggle, laugh, run and gaze at clouds. The cure was miraculous. The remaining problem was how to continue that feeling during a high-powered board meeting.

Let me play in the sunshine;
Let me sing for joy;
Let me grow in the light;
Let me splash in the rain,
and remember the days of childhood
forever.

Children can help you enjoy your world. Live your day to the best of your ability. But when you come home, take the time to see your child's world. If you allow it to penetrate your soul, you will find a peace like no other.

Explore your child's room from their vantage point. Crawl under a chair, squint into a matchbox car, press your nose against the window, use a straw to blow bubbles in the fish tank.....these actions will not only delight your child, but will bring more peace to your heart and restore your energy more than pushing back in a recliner. Tickle your child, chase them around the house, find a worm and watch it crawl, lie in the grass with your child resting on your tummy and ponder the love in your heart.

3. Children can help you see the simple solution. They may seem complicated because you are trying to figure out how to help them grow. But they are actually very simple. Mommy is mad. In their simplistic world the solution is obvious. Bring her some flowers. "Mommy always smiles when she gets flowers." Go pick some dandelions and the problem will be solved.

Mommy gets happy when I hug her. “Oh mommy, I love you so much.” XXX 000

There’s nothing wrong with me that a little ice cream won’t cure.

I was speaking at a conference and one brave Dad shared an experience. He told me that he had a terrible fight with his wife. He was sitting outside on a picnic table with his head in his hands. His son brought him a rose that had most of the petals missing and the stem was broken so it flopped in the child’s hand. “Here Daddy, take it to Mommy. It will be okay.” He smiled at this son and said, “I don’t think this will fix our problem. I don’t think a yard full of flowers will fix our problem.”

“Sure it will. Just give it to her and tell her you are so sorry and then give her a big hug and kiss and promise to be a good boy from now on.” He sniffed and wiped his nose. “It always works for me.”

The Dad took the broken flower to his wife, held it out and said. “I’m so sorry, I promise to be a good boy from now on.” He smiled, kissed his wife and waited. His son peeked from around his legs and coached his Mom. “You got to say okay. You told me that when someone says they are sorry, you gotta forgive them.”

The Dad smiled at me. I waited for him to continue. He finally grinned,“Of course it worked. When we have the love of a little child everything works.”

3. Children teach us to laugh and enjoy the world. Adults get so involved in the daily grind that we forget that the journey of life is supposed to be fun as well as productive.

The happiest moments of my life have been the few
which I have passed in the bosom of my family.
Thomas Jefferson

4.Children remind us to center on what’s really important in life. When we’ve had a horrible day at work and we feel like we are the lowest thing on the planet, how wonderful to come home to a family that is excited to see you. How wonderful to carry your burdens to your front door and have them immediately disappear when you hear your child yell, “Hi Daddy! I missed you!”

To know that you are his world. To know that in his eyes you are wonderful. Well….there’s just no greater joy than that!

HOME - is where they love
you!

I think it’s sad that so many parents have stopped promoting the joyous homecoming. We should all teach our children to listen for those footsteps and run to greet Mom or Dad when they come home.

So much of what is great has sprung from the closeness of family ties. --James M. Barrie, author of Peter Pan.

5. Children create years of wonderful memories. Knowing that you created a human being is wonderful. But the real joy for parents is watching that human being grow and mature.

“Nature never repeats herself, and the possibilities of one human soul will never be found in another.” -- Elizabath Cady Stanton

How fantastic to know that you have created something that no one else will ever be able to do. This tiny human will never be duplicated. Even multiple births do not produce “exact” copies. Each child is different and with each new creation comes a flood of memories. If we are careful to build sweet memories - to take pictures of happy times, they will certainly comfort us through the bad times. And when we are old….well, let this 5 year old explain it.

“My grandma smacks her gums all the time. I think it’s because she’s chewing over all the good times she had when she was my age.”

Enjoy the uniqueness of your family. Don't throw away moments that you will cherish later in life and don't miss those moments by trading worry or stress for the love of your child.

Let me sum it up with a quote about children from Gerald Massey, Wooed and Won….

“A sweet,
new blossom of Humanity,
Fresh fallen from
God’s own home
to flower on earth.”

God loves you,

Debbie

Children are wonderful !

"Children will always break your heart and I feel sorry for anyone that has them."

"You're pregnant? I'm so sorry."

What?!?!?

I'm going to try to control myself. I've heard those statements more than I would like and I'm tired of it. The next person spouting that type of comment is going to get a very special delivery from me - a gross of messy dirty diapers!!!! Deal with that!

Children are wonderful! Children are great. Children are like gardens, they reflect the care of the gardener. Don't assume that children are going to be trouble just because you or a friend couldn't find a way to help the children in your care. Children are not the problem - their environment may be.

There are several things a child can not do for you :

1. A child will not make a bad marriage better. While you may receive a smile from your new child, the problems that existed with your husband will be the same.

2. A child will not help your finances even if he is a tax deduction. You now have another human being to provide for and your finances will reflect that.

3. A child can not boost your self-esteem. When the rush of having a baby is over your self-esteem issues will return with a vengeance.

4. A child can not make you a success by their own achievements. Be proud of your children but don't base your success on their achievements. Allow them to "own" their achievements and it will be easier for them to understand their failures.

5. A child will not secure your happiness. Children are hard work. That hard work will translate into times of great joy and probably times of great stress or pain. There should be times of great happiness watching and loving your child but your child can not bring you the kind of happiness that will keep you from "feeling" the pain of other problems in your life.

6. A child will not be your companion forever. Good parents are constantly trying to work themselves out of a job. If you love your child, your goal is for them to be independent of you. That independence will mean that there are times when he/she will have his own friends and his own experiences.

Children should be taught however that we are commanded by God to honor and love our parents the longest day we live. And we are commanded to care for them and do all we can to care for them and let them know they are loved.

7. A child is not a duplicate of you. It is possible to love them even if they are exact opposites of you. It is your duty to teach them right from wrong and it is their duty to learn their lessons well. But if your daughter likes the blue dress rather than the green one you want her to buy - let it go. If your son likes football over golf - let it go. If your adult children prefer a good church on the north side of town and you prefer a good church on the east side of town - meet them for lunch and let it go.


Children are a blessing from God. As one quote says, "Children are God's opinion that the world should continue."

Children are truly the most important task you will ever assume. Take a look at the ones in your home or pat your tummy and think of the little one on the way. Ask yourself, "How would I feel about the possibility of this child if I knew I was about to give birth to someone that would change the world?" What would you do differently? How would you determine to care for them? What would you teach them?

Well, guess what? Open any history book, your bible or any book on "great men and women of...." They all had a mother and a father. And at some point that parent was given the choice to look at the pregnancy as a blessing and a mission from God or to view it with disdain.

And while I'm on this subject - who's the very most important parent there is??? All those wonderful people who adopt children! Those fantastic people that have enough love in their hearts to change the future of precious children outside their own genes. Who started the great love found in adoption? Mary the mother of Jesus. He was adopted from an unusually far off land. Yet, she carried out her duties with love and grace. Jesus may have been the son of God, but Mary was a beautiful link to this often complicated human race.

When the doctor puts that little one in your arms there's only one thing to do. Pray for wisdom and ask God to help you care for that child in the same way He cares for you.

Kiss that pumpkin on the head and thank God that you are going to be a part of history. How will it change because of you?

God loves you,

Debbie

Hello... God? Are you up there?

Are you going through a time in your life when you need to hear God's voice?

Do you find yourself wishing that God used e-mail and could send you the following words of encouragement?

Hello my child.....I'm here....you are doing everything right and you are on the right track...keep going.....Love, God.

Wouldn't it be great to find that in your mailbox? How about this one.....


Hello my child.....I'm here....you are a little off course, but if you will just do what your sister says and not what your brother is telling you, everything will work out great.


I don't know how many times you have prayed for those e-mails - but I've prayed for them a lot!

Once reality sets in and we realize that there are no e-mails from God, we are left with only one question.....how can I be perfect in my choices.

Here's a few tips:

1. You can't ever be "perfect" in your choices. Concentrate on ones that will change your life. Who will I marry? How many children should I have? How can I avoid big diseases? What church will I attend? How many hours should I study my Bible?

I'm not sure God really cares if you live on 1st street on on 16th. He does care if you are overextended or if you are so selfish you won't give $2 to feed the poor.

For the choices that aren't that life changing, get all the information you can, pray, be wise and then do what you think is best.

For the choices that "are" life changing, get even more information - especially from people who will disagree with you. Pray AND fast. We wise and use a great tool.....be patient and wait a while to let the information sink in. Then make the best possible decision and pray for God's help in doing your best.

2. Remember that it's wise not to paint yourself in a corner if you can help it. Marriage and children are not choices that will leave you options so you must take more precaution than normal.

But with other choices, if you can leave some "wiggle" room and still be committed to your decision - that's just smart. For example, you follow the instructions above and you decide to go into business with a friend buying old houses and fixing them up for resale. Everything goes wrong and you are sure that if you continue with this venture you will not only use all your savings and possibly not be able to recoup anything - but it also might put you into debt or bankruptcy. If you have left some "wiggle" room, you might be able to pull out of it without further problems.

I've known people that make such a big deal about a possible move (new business, new job or new location) that when it doesn't work out they are too embarrassed to change back to their previous situation. If they had kept it quiet or at least said, "I may be back if it doesn't work out", the wiggle room would have allowed them to retreat with grace.

Besides, that type of wiggle room sometimes allows us to actually grow in the situation. Because we don't feel trapped, it's easier to look around and accept the lessons God is trying to teach us.

3. Realize that God's will often is more of a process than a specific road. For a clearer picture simply ask yourself - Why am I here?

If you believe that God put you here to get a job, find a spouse, have two kids, buy a house and then die --- God's will really doesn't matter.

But if you believe that God is trying to help you become the beautiful person he created you be...

to learn how you fit in the working of this world....

to know that the world around you is different because you were here....

to become more like Jesus....and to lead the way for others to find God...,

....then you are in a process not on a specific road.

With that type of thinking you can make most decisions on your own with the realization that you need to learn how to make those decisions and that you must be careful with them --- but you can make them.

With that type of thinking you will be able to see clearly which decisions will change your life or the lives of those you love. Since you aren't letting the little decisions stress you out, you can concentrate all of your energies on ones that do matter.

4. Be willing to see the value in U-turns. When someone asked Edison if he ever felt like a failure (it took something like 437 failures before he came up with the light bulb -(not in my office so I can't check the pure facts), he responded...I've never failed a day in my life. I simply know 437 ways NOT to make a light bulb.

That's how we should look at our life.
Don't be insincere about pain or sorrow.
Don't waste any part of any day being stupid about your life.
Don't you dare fly on auto pilot just letting life take you wherever the wind blows.
But do look at problems in your life as a learning tool for making better decisions in the future.

Accept where you are now. Do all you can to change your situation - if possible. And then use what you've learned to make better decisions in the future.

5. Do the one thing that makes all of life better. Pray for wisdom. Develop such a close relationship with God that you feel him guiding you all the way. Make sure you are willing to let Him guide you. Make sure that you can hear God's voice and that you will not only hear it - but heed it.

Ask God to help you become the best person you can be. A person that He can trust and a person that He would want as his best friend. Ask God to be closer to you that your dearest love. Then trust him as he leads you and helps you to grow.

I'll be praying for you.

God loves you,

Debbie

The Truth About Mistakes

Now that you understand that I'm not perfect......you are ready for why I push everyone to think about what you do and make as "few" mistakes as possible.

For some reason our society doesn't like to discuss possible mistakes. Oh, we love to crucify anyone that does make mistakes. We give those people all the media attention we can. And many times it's not fair.

Mike wrote me about Tammy Faye Messner. He said, "Aside from being a little loony at times, I believe that she was a truly good woman who really tried to live like Christ. From what I could see she was not judgmental and tried to love everyone.

I don't know if you ever saw the series on VH-1 called "the Surreal Life". Anyway she was on the show for one season. One of her housemates was porn star Ron Jeremy. He entered the situation with preconceived notions of how "Christians" acted and preached. Tammy, being Tammy embraced him as a person and loved him. She made it known what she thought of his career choices but stated that it was not up to her to judge but to love him and pray for him. She gained his respect and the respect of ALL of her housemates. Until her death, she and Ron Jeremy remained friends. She didn't see herself as any better than anyone else, she was just a sinner who was saved. What do you think?"

Mike, I think that all of us have made mistakes and need the forgiveness of others. I think many people in the public eye may not be as "bad" as we want to make them. I try never to judge a person by what the "media" says about them. About 20 years ago I watched as the media tried to destroy someone I knew. This person was totally innocent but was crucified none the less.

That brings me full circle to our topic today. Choices and mistakes will change our lives and how we are perceived by others. My son Ken stopped by on Monday and we had a long talk. I am proud of the choices Ken is making. He is trying to be sure that not only is he successful but that he is a man of character. He was reading the book "The Heart of the Artist" by Rory Noland. We marveled at the wisdom of one section.

Rory said that it was important not to confuse Reputation with Character. Reputation is what others think of you. Character is what you really are.

How true is that! And yet, we must be careful. We must allow our "wise" character to help make the choices that will protect and support a good reputation. We need both.

Unfortunately, most parents don't like to "inform" their children how to avoid mistakes. It is very important that we teach them how those mistakes will hurt them. Tammy Faye and a host of other personalities may be good people at heart, but how powerful would their lives have been if they had made other choices?

Mistakes will happen. Bad choices will occur. Feelings will be hurt. Children will suffer. Adults will have regrets. Life is not perfect.

But what we must understand is that EVERY mistake, EVERY bad choice will change our lives. Maybe only a fraction - but it will change our lives. That has nothing to do with forgiveness or compassion.

We can be forgiven for anything, but the consequences of our choice usually does not just disappear.

The parking space we choose at the mall is insignificant. What difference could it possibly make. None! Unless something happens to that car while we are in the mall. When it comes down to it, every choice has a consequence.

DO NOT GO THROUGH LIFE WORRYING ABOUT EVERY DECISION! That will put you in a rubber room. There are thousands of decisions that determine our lives but should not be considered of any importance other than to get us through the day.

We must realize however, that many choices will change the course of our lives. Life for all of us is a series of choices. And like dominoes, one choice can determine the availability of other choices.

When a teen chooses not to wait for marriage and begins sexual promiscuity, they are trading minutes of passion for a lifetime of opportunities. Parents need to make sure their teen understands that it doesn't matter how smart they are or how talented, making the choice for promiscuity can change their life.

How?

An unwanted pregnancy either puts a child in the adoption system or limits the opportunities of college and a good job. If abortion is chosen, the knowledge that a child died because of the their decision can lead to massive guilt complexes that will be a part of their entire life.

It could lead to a long list of diseases.

It WILL hurt your chances of a "good" marriage with suspicion, guilt and the overall inability to feel safe in love. After having so many fleeting sexual encounters 95% say they question and obsess over every one's attentions and question anyone who is sincere.

Our choices determine our lives.

I talked with a man that had a difficult life. He was quiet, reserved and seemed to be in complete control of his emotions and thoughts. As he revealed his story and the pain of his life seemed to overflow with his tears, I saw a completely different man.

He explained that he had a beautiful wife and an expensive home. He had a fantastic job and was on the road to great success. Climbing the ladder is full of pressures and most of time will demand that family take second place. As the pressures mounted at work and his new baby needed more time and medical care, it became too much for him to juggle. While his wife ran for groceries, he was going to work at home. The child was sick and cried - no, screamed without end. In a moment of frustration he shook the baby hoping to get his attention.

With tears streaming down his face and shoulders that bent under the weight of his pain, he whispered. "My child never cried again. I lost my job, my wife, my home and my will to live. One small choice ended everything." I hugged him and when he finally moved away he continued, "I go through the normal motions of a day. I find myself concentrating on the beauty found in the little things. That's how I survive." I smiled and tried to give him comfort.

"I have a secret wish."

"What's that?"

"I wish I could personally talk to everyone on the planet. Every parent, every child, every human being on this planet. If I could, I would tell them that the one decision that ended a life of promise didn't happen in that moment. It happened years before. Little decisions that I made put me on that path. Little decisions molded my attitude, my goals and the way I dealt with others. Little decisions changed my view of the world - and I'm sorry to say - it changed a part of my character. That change subtly allowed me to put my work ahead of those I loved. And that ultimately made it easier to take out my frustrations on my baby.

I wish everyone would stop and think, where will this choice take me? What road will it put me on that I won't be able to see where I'm going?"

We prayed and I hope I was able to give him some measure of comfort. But the reality for him and for millions like him is that nothing will bring his family back.

The most important thing you can teach your children is to weigh every decision and think carefully about their lives. No life will ever be what it could be if we fly through on auto pilot. Don't just teach your children good nutrition, how to study for good grades, hygiene and how to be athletic.

For the sake of their futures, teach your children how to think about choices. If I do this....where will it take me? If I choose that.....where will it take me?

Making choices is the most important thing you can teach your children. When you have done that, go to your knees in prayer. Mistakes will happen. You won't be perfect and neither will your children. Ask God to guide you and give you wisdom.

God loves you,

Debbie

Let me answer that !!!!

Okay. I've received a few e-mails so let me stress a very important point.

DEBBIE IS NOT PERFECT.......I HAVE MESSED UP MANY TIMES.......AT LEAST 20% OF MY VOCABULARY IS BASED ON DIFFERENT WAYS OF SAYING "I'M SORRY!"

No way do I do everything right. But the goal I live by is to strive to do things right. I will never be perfect. My desire is a lofty but unattainable goal. I strive to do my best and get as close as possible to perfection before I die. My life is half over and I'm not as far as I would like to be....but I'm still trying.

"Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect." -- Matt. 5:48

There are many more verses on perfection.

There's also a contradicting verse.

"All have sinned, and come short of the glory of God." -- Rom. 3:23

Many people want to lean on the verses that say we are not perfect. We are only humans. I hate that saying. It's a cop out that allows us to fail. If we say or do the wrong thing all we have to do to right the wrong is to announce, "Well, I'm only human." I like what Dr. Laura Schlessinger says,

"You know the final excuse that really gets my hackles to full quivering attention? It's when callers protest that they are "only human." ONLY human? As if one's humanness were a blueprint for instinctive, reflexive reactions to situations, like the rest of the animal kingdom. I see being "human" as the unique opportunity to use our mind and will to act in ways that elevate us above the animal kingdom."

So which is it? How can we be perfect and yet know that we have all sinned? How can anyone find assurance in their decisions?


B A L A N C E

Boy, I say that word a lot don't I? Maybe I do because it is the only logical solution to any problem.

Should we discipline our child? -- yes and no! Yes at times and No at other times because the need to show compassion is greater than the need to correct.


Should we ever get angry? -- yes and no! Yes at times when we need to take a stand for what is right and no at times when we could cause more extensive problems or damage a person's spirit.


Should we lie? -- no and no and well maybe a little with compassion. WHAT??? No we shouldn't lie. But if telling Aunt Bertha the truth that her new yellow dress makes her 300 pound body look like a New York taxi -- maybe we should find nicer ways to respond.


B A L A N C E


Should we judge? No, yet there are times to analyze another person's lifestyle for application to our own.

Should we compare ourselves to others? No, not if it's with a critical eye that damages our own self-esteem. Should we compare to see if there is any way we can improve our own lives - yes.


It's all about balance.

My life is full of rules. Rules make me feel comfortable. Rules have helped me live a wonderful life and have kept me from tragedies that others have suffered. But I realize that rules are made to be broken. And there are times when breaking those rules makes our lives fuller and richer. The key is knowing when.

No running in the house......unless there's a fun new puppy to chase.
No squirt guns in the house......unless it's a hot summer and Mom is chasing you with her own super soaker.
Never break a promise to a friend.....unless it means telling someone that they are contemplating suicide.

Rules are made to be broken - but they can become dangerous if you don't know when it's right and when it's wrong.

A teen commits herself to abstinence and then feels bad when her boyfriend begs that all he wants to do is show her how much he loves her - stick to the rule or give in? Everyone else is doing it.

How can we achieve balance?

Prayer. Acquiring knowledge. Prayer. Practicing compassion. Prayer. Being an understanding person. Prayer. And more prayer for WISDOM.

(You did catch the PRAYER thing didn't you?)

"Wisdom is better than rubies; and all things that may be desired are not to be compared to it."
-- Prov. 8:11

Wisdom in my life has both protected me and led me. I pray daily for wisdom.


Looking back on my life I have made some huge mistakes. Each of my children still suffer from mistakes I've made in raising them.

I've tried to learn from each mistake, study even harder and pray that God will continually change me so that I can see his will and allow my life to light the path for others.

I hope I am doing that for you.

I love you,

God loves you,

Debbie

Love is not Free

Hello everyone.....it's good to be back.

I've been helping a family for the last few days as well as dealing with some TMJ issues. I haven't been able to write and I've missed you!

Today's thought may be long, but I promise it will help you.

I'd like to talk to you about one of the major dragons that destroy relationships. We live in a society that worships the God of freedom. We have a huge mess in our government and social interactions because we promote the idea that everyone must be free to do anything they choose.

Freedom is a wonderful thing. We all need to feel the wind in our face and the sun on our backs. We need those moments in life when we don't have a care in the world and instead feel like we could soar. Great moments. But that's the problem - it should and must be just moments.

When you get the idea that the entire span of your life should be free - you become selfish and your life will be riddled with bad relationships and lonely unfulfilled goals. NO ONE can be totally free. That doesn't exist.

Why? Because the old saying is true. "YOUR FREEDOM STOPS WHERE MINE BEGINS." And if you don't believe that, you become the only free person on the planet.

In a love relationship, whether it be parent to child, boyfriend to girlfriend, girl to girl, employee to boss, member to pastor, citizen to government - no matter what the relationship true freedom doesn't exist.

"But Debbie, that can't be fair. We all need someone we can bear our souls to. We all need to be honest and truthful. Are you saying there is no one that can know our inner thoughts?"

You got it. At least no one here on earth can be totally free with us. You do understand that I am talking about "total freedom". I'm not talking about the secrets we have with our friends or the honest bare most of it talks with a loved one. I'm talking about the kind of "total freedom" that speaks total honesty never taking into consideration another person's feelings.

"Well, who does that?"

A lot of people. In fact, that's where most feelings are hurt and where most arguments begin. We say something that we think is being honest and the recipient gets hurt. Or we are angry about our jobs and so we take it out on our spouse or the children or the house. We really don't care about the messy room, but we fuss because we are mad about our job. That's when the family unit begins to suffer. The person imposing the hurt now feels guilty and screams, "Ahhh....I can't be honest with you." or "Why can't I find someone that will let me be me? Why can't I find someone that understands my pain and let's me just vent?"

Because my uninformed friend - that kind of battered sounding board doesn't exist.

When in your anger or frustration or simply irritated personality you say something that hurts the person listening - or that they take personally because it may apply to them - you instantly change the relationship.

For example, a young man is weight conscious. He is walking down the mall with his fiance. He sees a 9-month pregnant woman and remarks angrily, "How can someone look at that and not be disgusted? She looks horrible. I wish people like that would stay home." It's not directed at the fiance and when she is appalled by the remark, he says - "Well, when it's our baby it will be different." Will she ever forget it? Probably not.

Will she be stressed out and worried when she is pregnant? Probably. (Should she go ahead and marry that jerk - no way! - it's sad, but this example is real.)


In order to navigate through relationships, we must understand some very important realities.


STOP - CHANGE GEARS - This blog is about the offending person. Let me stop and say this for the listener. It is important that you understand that there will be times when someone does need a simple "poor baby". They have been hurt or offended by a situation and don't need your preaching. At that moment they simply need a poor baby. What I'm talking about today is the person who has gone way beyond needing a simple "poor baby".

Now let's go back to looking at the realities for an angry person who just wants to vent the majority of the time.

1. No one, not even a good counselor can listen to you vent your anger for very long. If they care about you there will come a point when the anger and the hurtful words (even if they aren't directed toward the listener) will dig into their heart and hurt them AND will begin to destroy the relationship.

We need periods of quiet calm, stroking, laughter, kindness, peace and the logical progression toward a resolution. If you are angry more than twice a week or on average 4-6 times a month - get some help. You are spending too much time being angry and it will change your relationships with those around you.

There is a time for Anger. There is a time for negative thinking. But if it is a major part of your life....it's hurting you as well as the people that love you. If the anger and frustration you feel IS directed toward the people that love you, it will hurt your relationships.

2. If you whine all the time about your life. Do something about it. Don't blame others. Unless you are being held hostage - your life is a reflection of your choices. If you don't like it - change it.

3. Watch people's faces. If you start whining about your life or if you begin to vent your anger and their faces glaze over or they look away - something is wrong.

4. ********BIG NEWS ******** Pay attention to who you love being around! If you have trouble with someone that is always negative and always angry - don't be too surprised when others have trouble with those same traits in you. I always giggle when the angry person is so complimentary of the calm person who knows when to share and when not to. If you like that person - why not try to be like them or at the very least, learn from them?

It boggles my mind at the times people have complained - "I can't stand being around that person, they are always complaining and angry about something." But, within two sentences, they are doing the exact same thing.....Duh!

The best advice for good relationships with others is to compare yourself to others. What you don't like in them - other people won't like in you!

5. Don't expect your family, friends and loved ones to be your over comer. Do expect them to love you and to be your sounding board.

Here's what I mean by that. Spouses, family and friends all love you. They want to be there for you and to help you. That means they want to be called when you are in trouble. They will help you clean your house, mow your yard or even help you figure out how to deal with your boss. They will give you a shoulder to cry on or maybe even join in the fuss when someone has been mean to you. But your spouses, family and friends all love you enough that they want you to get better. They want to see progress. They want to help you achieve the goal, win the prize and overcome the problem.

They can't do it for you. They can't remove the irritant. They can't stop the pain, get the job, find the girl, make everything right. They can listen and love - but their love will want to put you on the road to success.

Why wouldn't they? Have you ever heard someone say - "I love you so much I want you to continue to suffer?"

Unfortunately most people do say the following:

"I want to be totally free and that means I can say any hurtful thing I want and you have to take it, knowing that I don't mean it about you. Don't ask me to lay down my pain or change anything I'm doing. Just listen and poor baby me - even if I'm making poor choices. Oh, and if I lash out at you because I'm frustrated, you aren't allowed to take up for yourself. And don't you dare tell me I'm doing anything wrong. That's what the person I'm mad at is doing and I don't want to hear it from you. What I need is a friend I can be totally honest with and never have to deal with the consequences of hurt feelings."

Hummm........Let me see the hands of anyone that would "choose" a relationship on those terms. I thought Elvis Presley was the living end when I was a teen, but I wouldn't want a relationship with him on those terms.

The truth of the matter is that there are some ideas, problems, thoughts that I will only share with God. I have released a few others that I will only share with my husband. There's a few more that I "might" share with my children or parents. And no way would I "bare it all" with a friend.

When I do choose to share, I do it by choosing my words carefully. That's important.

Why? Relationships are ACTION - REACTION - ACTION

Whatever you say or do with someone will bear an action or reaction. You do it or say it and they will react to it. It may be with kindness, but it is placed in their memory banks and will be used to judge your future actions. That's why it's so important not to damage a relationship. Yes, we can forgive - but God is the only being that can truly forget. We may choose not to react to the thing we forgave, but we will still remember it and it will be a part of our future decision making.

And that my friend is why Love is not free.

Once you hurt someone you love, it can be forgiven - but it probably will never be forgotten. Even if they are smart enough to never mention it and have dealt with it so completely that their love for you is truly pure. Should the situation arise again guess what ugly monster will shuffle to the forefront of their brain?

When we yell at our children or hurt them in some way we can apologize. We can shower them with gifts. We can hug them for days after - but the infraction is still there.

Humans are like computers - without the delete button. That's why it is so important not to hurt feelings in the first place.

Let's say you've never done anything really bad. But you are frustrated, tired and just plain disappointed with life. Those feelings cause you to yell, fuss and get angry about the slightest infraction that comes your way.

Should those around you understand how difficult your life is? Yes

Should your family and friends be comforting and loving? Yes

Should they try to help you get out of your problems? Perhaps

Will your "freedom of expression"(depending on the intensity) change the way they see you? Definitely!



"Okay Debbie, but are we supposed to go around being dishonest? Isn't that a sick relationship too?"

Of course it is. Here's the secret. BALANCE

In all things have balance. When I talk with adults about their childhood, I've heard about some horrible situations. But in the families where good times and relationships were the normal, horrible situations were talked about with love, forgiveness and compassion.

In families where dysfunction was a daily experience and love and compassion was an occasional happening - those adults remembered the truly horrible days with pain and many times rejection of the individual.

So what is the answer?

Understand that the saying, "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you" is brilliant! Live by it!

Work to be sure that when you need to be honest that it is done with the greatest of care for the individual that is listening. In other words don't bite the person that is there to help you.

Realize that "LOVE" wants to be there for you even during the angry times of your life. Don't shut them out. But don't let your vent of anger "hurt" the person that is trying to love you.

Be willing to change. When we are angry we usually can't see the cause of the problem. When you calm down, be willing to accept the responsibility for any part of the problem that might be your own. Share that with your sounding board so you both can rejoice in your progress.

And most important. If there is someone that is constantly your sounding board - don't forget to say thank you and give them lots of hugs. It's a hard thankless job. Make sure they know you appreciate it.

When all is said and done remember the great admiration Jesus had for those that are willing to help others.

"Withhold not good from them to who it is due, when it is in the power of thine hand to do it."
--Prov. 3:27

"A word spoken in due season, how good it is!" -- Prov. 15:23

"Strengthen ye the weak hands, and confirm the feeble knees." ---Isa. 35:3

"Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me." -- Matt. 25:40

"Bear ye one another's burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ." --Ga. 6:2

"Comfort yourselves together, and edify one another." -- 1 Thess. 5:11

The words of Jesus that we all should live by:

"As ye would that men should do to you, do ye also to them likewise." --Luke 6:31

In other words, we have a responsibility to our relationships. We are not free to make our needs more important than the feelings of others. As we share our lives we must also be kind and tender to those we love. Love is the best feeling in the world. But Love is not free. We must protect it and give our best as much as possible. Christ did. He expects no less from us.

God loves you,

Debbie

Do you live with GUILT?

When is guilt proper?

I talk a lot about responsibility and the fact that you shouldn't blame others for something that is truly your fault. Yet I've also said that "debilitating" guilt - the kind that hurts you or keeps you from living a stress free life - is wrong.

So how do you tell the difference?

That's very simple. Who has the power?

If you had the power to make the decision that would "absolutely- totally and completely" have changed the outcome - then it's your responsibility and you should feel guilty. Seconds after that feeling you should do the following: ask for forgiveness, forgive yourself, do what you can to fix the situation and go on leaving guilt behind.

If you do not have "absolute" control of the situation then it is quite possible that a change in your choices would not have completely solved the problem. They may have led others to a different choice and for that you should feel "partially" responsible, a little guilty, but again, ask for forgiveness, forgive yourself, do what you can to "help" fix the situation - if the others involved are willing to let you - and then go on leaving guilt behind.

If you had "NO CONTROL" over the situation and all you could offer was advice - it will help your feelings later if you do offer good advice - but with "NO CONTROL" over the decision making process you cannot allow yourself to feel guilty. There was nothing you could do to change the situation and therefore there should be no guilt.

For parents, this is a hard one. If you know you have done all you can to raise a responsible child and yet you watch them make poor decisions and suffer because of it - it's often hard not to look through your past to find some reason for it to be your fault. We don't want to blame our children so we look for ways to blame ourselves. DO NOT DO THAT!!!! Even when you hate watching them suffer and it hurts you to the core - don't let yourself feel guilty for their mistakes.

There are times when children or young adults simply need to make a mistake so they will learn to trust the advice of others. We can work to make that easier by letting them try their hand at decision making while they live with us. But sometimes, they will need the knowledge that only experience and a few hard knocks will give them. That is incredibly hard for loving parents to watch, especially when we know we can't fix it when they ask for help. But....sometimes that's the heavy heart we must endure. We should not add guilt to that experience.

As far as marriages are concerned, it gets even harder. We want to believe that our love will cover every problem. We are taught this from the time we are small. "Love covers a multitude of sins." How many times have you heard that? But the problem is, that phrase is talking about spiritual issues. God's love does cover all our sins. Our love for each other can not and will not cover sins. You may think it will, but it only hides them and lets them fester until they show up later uglier than ever.

What we must understand about love and marriage is that it's a computer with no delete button. Therefore be careful about your actions to the other person. Those actions create reactions that can come back and bite you. If you have done all you can to be the person God wants you to be to your spouse - don't feel guilty because you can't love him/her out of their sin. They must be responsible for their own actions. Holding them responsible doesn't lessen your love.

Your working environment is a hodge podge of problems. With more individuals involved and more chances for different percentages of guilt, it's harder to determine where the "decision" making power lies. Ask yourself these questions:

"Did I give 100% today?" If you did, then don't feel guilty.

"Did I do all of my work by myself and try to do the best with the knowledge and expertise that I had?" If you did, then don't feel guilty.

"Did I deal with others in the same way I would like to be dealt with?" If you did, then don't feel guilty.

"Was I in any way sick, depressed, tired or pushed around by others?" If you were then you have a reason for not being 100%, so don't feel guilty.

The best way to avoid guilt and depression is to work to be the highest quality person that you possibly can. Most guilt is a response to the sub-conscious knowledge that we did not do our best.

Hold the bar high. Constantly try to be better. Don't look at others and what they are doing. Look within yourself, properly analyze your own abilities and then do the best you can with those. Understand that we can't be perfect in any area and we can't be best in all areas. For example, I know that I have exceptional talents with children. I understand psychology and can be above average in my relationships. But I also know that I do not have the ability or expertise to work with severely abnormal psychology or the severely handicapped. I simply can't do it. My sympathy gets in the way and I get depressed and frustrated. I'm not going to feel guilty about it - it's just a knowledge of what I can do and what I can't do. We need to deal with all of life in that same way.

We all should have necessary knowledge of relationships and how to handle them. That's in the same category as learning proper hygiene or learning to drive. Spend time learning how to make others feel good and how to develop strong relationships. Try putting others first as much as possible and tell yourself that rewards are not what people say but how they treat you. When you've done all you can to be a person above reproach, trust God that he will bless your life and your relationships. If there's an area where you can't find release, then distance yourself for a while and ask for God's wisdom. Like my example, don't try to pass yourself off as "all wise and all knowing" in relationships if that is hard for you. Take a deep breath and allow others to help you cultivate the areas that are hard for you.

If I was put in a situation where I had to work with a severely handicapped or psychologically abnormal individual, I would do my best to be all I could be in that "relationship." But, I would also understand that I may make mistakes that others wouldn't because they were more gifted. I would refuse to feel guilty knowing that I was doing my best and I would subject myself to advice from others.

When you've done all you feel is humanly possible, when you've obeyed the rules and treated others fairly, when you've been an honorable person - rest easy and leave the guilt behind.

Helpful Tip: If you weigh your actions carefully, you can avoid the problems of guilt by not reacting out of emotional stress. Keep yourself logical and ask questions before jumping to conclusions. Investigate all situations. Get proper - well qualified advice. The best way to avoid guilt is to avoid rash emotional decisions. Don't fly on auto pilot. Think about every moment of every day. And then as they say - Go out and make it a good one!

God loves you,

Debbie

Potty Training in one Day

I've been asked to go over the method I developed for my own children. I researched the problem, read many books and put together the "simplest" method. There are other one day systems out there, but if you are as busy as I was - you might consider my method. If you are going to potty train your child in one day - you will need the cassette and accompanying brochure. It will help fill in the blanks I leave here. I was interviewed by ABC's "Good Morning Cleveland" about this method. I've successfully personally potty trained around 15 children and overseen this method with 30 other families. It works!

If you want the cassette and brochure, please send $10 to

Debbie Jansen
8710 Blitzen Rd. NW
North Canton, Ohio 44720

Let's get started...

Many dread potty training and put it off because they believe it's a time of great stress. If it's not done right children may lose their self-esteem and become angry, irritable, withdrawn and sad.

It doesn't have to be that way. This should be a time of fun, happiness, and pleasant interaction with your child. Do it right and it can give you and your child a wonderful feeling of achievement.

Children are unique and learning to potty should not be based on age. You child must be able to accomplish certain tasks in order to respond properly to potty training. Preparing for the day is actually a matter of watching your child for specific developmental signs and providing special training when they need it.

For the first time in your child's small life you are asking him to plan ahead and to understand how his body works. Probably without realizing it, you have already taught him that good behavior brings rewards. Your child should want to do things on his own and he should be able to follow through and complete simple tasks. As a good parent your child respects and trusts you as him teacher. These traits mark the beginning of many new changes in your child's life.

This may sound like a lot to expect, but it's quite normal for a growing, inquisitive child. Children between birth and three years of age have more physical and mental development than any other time of their lives.

Before you begin, here's what to look for:

1. Your child must be able to walk without assistance and know how to remove his clothing.

2. He must be able to follow instruction and to point to part of his own body. He should know how to respond to sit down, stand up, walk to another room or place, bring you a toy, put a toy or some object away or in a bucket. He should be able to imitate tasks. He should know the meaning of potty chair, diaper, pants, wet and dry. If he cannot complete these tasks, they are not ready to potty train. Don't rush this process. It will become irritating and a failure if you do. Wait until your child is ready.

3. It's also important that your child be able to understand a wait for a drink, food or a specific request.

4. Your child should have some control or knowledge of his bodily functions. Does your child wet a lot at one time or does he dribble throughout the day? Does he let you know when he has to go and does he stay dry for long periods of time.

5. Putting the potty-chair in the bathroom prior to the training day is not necessary. You should however, promote the idea that only "big" people use the potty. Build on the idea by stressing the wonderful privileges that come with being a "big" boy or girl.

6. It is important that you "do not use" retail pull-up diapers. Children need to be able to feel and understand the sensation of wet panties. Pull-ups look and feel too much like a diaper. There is no real distinction or "graduation" when using this product. Pull up diapers are designed to keep the wetness away from the child. Part of the desire to learn is the dread of being wet and having to change clothes. Using pull-up diapers will prolong success.

When you spend an entire day with your child, watching their every move, the likelihood that they will soil your furniture is very slim. As far as nighttime is concerned, I suggest putting a pad under your child and letting him sleep in panties. If you still prefer the pull ups at night, it is possible to make a big deal out of finding them dry in the morning and not interfere with his training. It's wise, however to offer a special cereal or treat if his pull-ups are dry in the morning.


Here's the secret. Potty training occurs when the child understands and "feels" his bodily functions. He can't plan ahead if he's not paying attention to when it happens. Your job is to get him to go often enough so you can catch him and train him. When he has pull ups on, he can be wet for minutes even hours before you know it's time to train. This method gives you many chances in one day to train therefore getting the job done quickly.

The reason one day potty training works is because you are going to plan the day so there are plenty of chances to see him as he goes.

Take the day off. Take any other children to grandma's or daycare. Put a potty chair, toys and books in the kitchen. Place all kinds of drinks on the counter. The more the better. Especially soft drinks. Gatorade, koolaide, any kind of juice, water, milk -anything wet. The idea is to give your child the opportunity to drink, drink, drink - why? Because that will give you the most chances to see him go potty.

Place all kinds of snacks on the counter. Try to use anything salty. Why? That will make him thirsty and cause him to drink thus he will need to go potty and you will have more chances to help him achieve success.

**** REMEMBER ***** You will have much more information if you order the cassette and booklet.

Never punish or spank your child during this procedure. This procedure is built largely on a psychological method called, "Behavior Modification." The basic idea is to find something the child enjoys enough to motivate him. For small children the most successful motivator is usually eating, playing or praise from parents. Using those motivational rewards, we can require compliance. Only if the desired behavior is shown will the reward be given.

The only negative responses should be to allow your child to take off his own wet clothes. As he does you respond, "Oh yuck, how nasty. Ooooo, put them in the basket quick. How yucky!"

Then say, "I want you to be a big boy so let's try again, O.K.?"

You will need one more item.....You will need a doll that wets if at all possible. If you can't find one or if your child prefers to use his favorite doll, you can simulate a doll wetting by using a spray bottle clipped under the rim of the potty,k or one that can be hidden in your hand. When the child sits the doll down to potty, squeeze the bottle and allow a stream of water into the potty.

Be sure to have everything handy so you don't have to leave your child's sight for even a moment. Place toys, books, treats, drink and snacks close so it doesn't take you very long to retrieve them.

Make sure and schedule time-out periods during the day to just play with your child. Do whatever your child enjoys, like tickling matches, singing, games or even taking a walk. All of these will be nice diversions.

Here's your plan.....

1. Show your child how to train his doll or action figure. Go through all the steps of pulling down the dolls pants, getting them to go potty and reward the doll with a treat (small M&M's). When the doll can't eat it - give it to your child. Once you go through this procedure 10 times and you are sure he gets the message....Get excited about "Now it's your turn."

2. Help your child through the process - praising every attempt or even the smallest effort. (No treat though unless he actually drops at least one drop in the potty.)

3. Eliminate the doll and concentrate on your child.

4. Don't worry about nutrition. Your child won't be ruined by one day of improper eating.



The most important thing to do is to talk, talk, and talk. Explain every action, make up silly songs, be cheerful and talk, talk, talk. Always allow your child the chance to respond and talk, but if he isn't talking, you should be.

While you are waiting for his body to respond, read books, play with toys etc... but watch the clock. At least every 5 minutes ask.."Are you still dry?" This will keep his mind focused on what he is to do. If he is, give him lots of praise and possibly a small part of the special treat.

Your main purpose for the day is to have fun and to be a constant reminder for his concentrations. By the afternoon your child should have the "idea" of what to do. Then it's only a matter of reinforcing his actions. For the next several days you should keep up the treat reward for successfully going to the potty. Begin lengthening the time between reminders and replacing treats more and more with praise.

Don't add the stress of new environments (grocery, restaurant, grandma's) for a few days. Give him time to be sure his new achievement is fully in force.

IMPORTANT: The most valuable treat to any child is the approval and love of his parents. Be generous with praise. Your child's happiness and their new self-esteem will be delightful. They have started on the road to being a responsible and disciplined individual. Spending a day together and working together for a new achievement will open the door to a beautiful new relationship between the two of you that can last a lifetime.

There's much more information and details on my tape and brochure. If you are interested in this method, please let me know.

God loves you,

Debbie

What am I doing wrong?

Anytime we build a life philosophy, there will be circumstances that make us challenge our thoughts. It's best then to seek out truth and to be compassionate. If those two are in place, it will be easier to accept changes.

I believe in the old saying and song, "Life is what you make it." The words to the song are...."Life is what you make it and what you make it is up to you."

Because I believe in that philosophy, I'll be the first one in line to analyze a situation, make a plan, clap my hands and say..."Okay then, let's get busy." That philosophy also pushes me to be as wise as possible before a problem occurs.

For example, I don't smoke because I want to avoid cancer. I don't drink because I don't like being out of control and doing something stupid. I became an avid reader because I wanted to be logical and find truth about many areas of my life. I study people and try to read their personalities so I will know how to be a good friend -wife-mother-employee-and how to help them to be those things to me. In other words, (except for eating-my one true vice) I try to avoid anything that will hurt me now or in the future.

And the biggie.....if something is wrong in my life, I take the responsibility - period. I put the blame on me first and only if I'm sure that I'm innocent do I begin to look elsewhere.

If that was all there was to my philosophy - I would probably be in the loony bin!

As I said before, there must be truth and there must be compassion. Why? Because evil does exist.

I hate the statement "Where there's smoke there's fire." That's not always true and it hurts innocent people. There are many innocent people that suffer and they haven't done anything to deserve it. Children who are kidnapped. Women who are abused. Men who lose their life over a designer jacket. Men or women who work 29 years for a company and are fired a week before 30 years so the company can deny them a retirement. There may be a lot of smoke, but there is no fire in their lives. They are completely innocent.

But -- there are levels of innocence. What?

I had a client once that was in the middle of a divorce. I spent hours talking with her about her problems. It appeared that she was 100% innocent. He was a monster, a controller and a very mean man. She should divorce him. She should get away from him. At first I was 100% on her side. It wasn't until the divorce was over that I began to hear things that let me know she was not 100% innocent. There had been some interactions that could have been handled differently. There were some times when she was less than compassionate. She did have some inner struggles that would have made dealing with her challenging. But....the fact remained....he was a tyrant. Getting a divorce was the right thing to do. Together we looked at those problems and decided to apply compassion. Why? Because even if she had reacted differently it probably would not have changed him. No one knows for sure of course, but it was logical and reasonable to apply compassion.

So when do we use compassion? When you see an adult with a deeply embedded evil personality or character issue - it is impossible to change that with your actions. It will take the help of many and the intervention of God. Be compassionate when you don't have the power and there is no way your actions or decisions can change the circumstances.

Children can be changed even when personality and character issues seem evil. Until the age of 16 you have a chance to reach them. They are still tender and young enough that you can "bend" the reed. It is harder when they have suffered abuse that makes them 16 on the outside and 27 on the inside - but with a lot of prayer, understanding and a lot of work, most can be helped. The younger the better rule does apply. The closer you get to 16 the harder it will be to help them conquer deep issues. So be there when they are young!

Another example of an innocent percentage would be a young lady that is raped by a neighborhood boy. Is she innocent - yes - totally! But, could she possibly have changed the facts? What if I said she liked to mow the lawn in a string bikini? What if I also told you that even when she wore clothes they were provocative and on the edge? What if I told you that she often flirted with this guy? Would that change your mind? The fact remains that he should be jailed for a long time for his actions. But would the situation have been different if she had been more conservative? How would you rate her innocence level?

This brings me safely back to my first conclusion. Life is what you make it. The decisions we make do change the direction of our lives.

I'm collecting data for a book that will compare the life styles of the 40's-50's to today's lifestyle. Anytime people become nostalgic they return to that period of our history. Why? Because life seemed to make more sense then. Life was more black and white and people were dedicated to "making" life better. Evil existed - but we didn't condone it.

I know that lifestyle very well since I lived it. The basic difference for that period of time was that "whining" had not been invented.

If you didn't have a place to live.....you didn't whine....you got a job.

If you didn't have food to eat....you didn't expect others to come to your rescue or provide for you...you got a job. And if you dare to express the fact that you didn't feel responsible, there was someone to let you know if you wanted to eat, you better get to work.

If your child misbehaved, other people didn't take the blame they insisted that you do something about it.

If you didn't like your place in society, it was up to you to change it.

If you did the crime....you did the time....

And if you did follow the rules, work the job, raise the child, support the society....you were praised for it. It was called responsibility.

In the 60's this country spiraled downward into a dark cave. We allowed spoiled children to dictate our "life philosophies." Since there were cases where evil hurt those who couldn't help themselves, they felt we had to rid the world of those cases. For example, innocent children that were spanked, people who lived daily without proper food or housing because they couldn't or wouldn't work, harsh sermons on hell and what was wrong with our society. These "easy philosophy" thinkers said it was better to put up with the occasional crime or spoiled child in order to avoid a "harsh life philosophy". What they didn't realize is that the percentages of hurt people would be far more devastating on their end than were present in the 40's-50's.

When we - as a society - lost the philosophy that our personal life choices dictate the way our lives turn out, we lost our ability to make personal progress and we became a society of whiners. Like little children we sit on the side of the road screaming for someone to help us never imagining for a moment that the real help lies within our own hands.

What to do?

1. Set your life philosophy for truth and compassion.

2. Obey all the rules that point you to truth. Don't yell at your family and friends for something that you do yourself. Look to yourself first to be sure you are innocent. This will be a fight. Humans are geared to self-preservation. Listen carefully to those around you and get advice from people outside of the problem so you can "honestly" judge yourself.

3. Be compassionate when you have decided it truly isn't your fault. Understand that we are all pushed to the limit. And even if you have done all you thought you could, but you still fell short - perhaps part of the equation is that you are expecting "superpowers" from yourself. Be compassionate enough to say, "I can't do it all!" Most people don't think about the line in sand that says - "this is not humanly possible." There is a line and if you cross it, you won't be able to successfully complete your goals. That line is different for all of us. You are the only one that can decided that issue. Be compassionate.

4. When life is truly evil - don't blame yourself and don't lose hope in God. We live in an evil world where awful things happen. Good people are killed in accidents. Innocent people live lives of desperation and pain. Godly people suffer at the hands of the wicked. Sweet Aunt Suzie who has been a Christian and truly Godly person all her life may contract cancer and die a painful death. Once you have determined that you have done all you can to change your circumstance - then it's time for a loving God to take over.

"Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me." ---Psa. 23:4

"Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning." ----Psa. 30:5

"My flesh and my heart faileth; but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion for ever." --- Psa. 73:26

"Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest." ---Matt. 11:28

"I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee." ---Heb. 13:5


Why should these verses comfort me Debbie? My life is a mess and I'm hurting. People are constantly blaming me and I'm doing the best I can. No one really sees me or knows how I feel. You don't even know all there is about me.

You are exactly right! No human can honestly know all there is to know about another person. You could spend every hour of every day telling me about yourself and there would still be a small part that I couldn't and wouldn't understand or pick up on.

The reason these verses are so powerful is that God does know every one of us. He sees and knows our inner thoughts, our private conversations, our motives, our hearts. He knows everything about everyone. And that my friend makes him a truly qualified judge. Since he knows it all, he can properly point the finger. And even in knowing who is right and who is wrong he says......"Come to me and I will make everything right!"

No more guessing, no more fighting, no more wondering if we did it right or if we are innocent or if they should be punished. God simply makes everything right!

Did you hear that? Shhhh...... I ran to Father. I pleaded my case and.....he made everything right. And now, my favorite verse....

"Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you; not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid." ----John 14:27

Peace. The most comforting word in our society. Peace.

God loves you,

Debbie

Healing painful family situations

A husband wants help with the following problem. All names have been changed.

My wife - let's call her Agatha and my son (let's call him Winky) are unhappy. Agatha's parents got divorced a couple of years ago. Her father left her mother for a 30 something year old woman with 2 kids. He will be 60 next year.

Here is the problem. He never did anything with the kids when they were little, like go to their ball games, dance recitals, coach their teams etc..

Now that he is married again, he is acting like the perfect father, coaching games, going to his step-kids games etc. He won't put forth any effort to go to HIS own (Agatha's kids) grand kids games. He forgets his grand children's birthdays, stuff like that. Agatha is extremely hurt by this and the question I hear all the time is "Why wasn't he that kind of father to me?"
Agatha, her sister or her brother won't say anything to their father about this and, quite frankly, I am getting tired of listening to it. I am so mad I am about to tell Agatha's father to go take a flying leap and stay away from my wife and family.

Now before you fuss at me, I know that is not the right way to handle it, but no one hurts my wife and stays standing for long to talk about it.

The really hard part is that Winky (my son) loves his grandpa and loves spending time with him. But every time he is around his grandpa, he comes home crying because "grandpa wouldn't play with me" or "grandpa said he doesn't have time right now."

I need answers!

First of all, there's nothing worse than feeling like your family is being hurt. Of course you want to react in a way that will let the entire world know they can't mess with or hurt people you love. It's not only a loyal, loving response - but it's the first one everyone jumps to. Remember the old saying that goes something like this...."I can kick my sister but no one else can." Meaning that it doesn't matter what happens within the family, if we are attacked from without - we all band together and go to war.

Before we go to war with this thing however, let's count the possible casualties.

1. Why do you want your children to have a good relationship with their grandparents?
Every child wants and needs a doting grandparent.
Grandparents give children unconditional love that is important in building other relationships.
Grandparents are a link to our heritage and that can build a strong self-esteem within the child.
It's just fun.
Children are always curious about who their parents are and where they came from. Grandparents provide a link that will help the child understand the parent.

2. You said your child loves his grandpa. Do you really want that love to end?
If you end the relationship, it won't be long until Winky feels exactly like you do about grandpa.

3. If you break the one-sided relationship with the grandfather, just to save crying time - what consequences will that mean for your wife?
Do you really want to someday wonder if you were the last straw that ended her relationship (no matter how strained) with her father?

4. Usually people are angry about a bad relationship because someone is being mean. While grandpa's actions seem mean, have you thought about where they are really coming from? Most people continue to make mistakes because they don't understand their own actions. Grandpa might actually be hurting himself more than you ever could. There is a possibility that he has a ton of regrets and rather than asking for forgiveness that he's sure he doesn't deserve, he's trying to re-live his life and make good choices this time. He can't let himself give in and enjoy your lives because he would have to start by asking forgiveness and that would flood his own mind with torments of regret.

Of course since I don't know the whole situation - I'm guessing here.

5. If you get angry and break off all ties, you will have more than just crying from your son. Your wife will have a broken family and a broken heart. Your son will hear and see the anger (believe me even if you try to hide it - he will figure it out) and you will have years of explaining and mop up to do on his feelings.

6. Last but not least, if you break ties you will lose the chance to teach your son about how to handle life's disappointments and you will forever lose the chance to "love" your father-in-law into salvation.

So......what to do.....

Face the truth.....What you really want to do is what's best for your son. According to the above, breaking the ties may not be the best. Don't do what feels like justice - do what is best for your child.

1. Begin by being honest with your son. Sit him down and tell him that life isn't always easy. Find the "small" words you need to help him understand that life isn't always what it should be.

Use word pictures. Something like this...."Remember the other day when Daddy was working and you wanted to play......I couldn't then because I had other things on my mind. Well grandpa has had a very hard life and I think sometimes he is so busy with his family and then he thinks about other things that have happened to him and well....it's just too much. The rest of us kind of get lost and it's hard for him to have the energy to be with us."

Do a show and tell....."All of us have this much mental energy. (Take an apple). This much is for things like getting dressed, remembering to take our vitamins and brushing our teeth. (cut off some of the apple and give him half and you half) This much is for work. (Cut a big portion) And this much is for doing what Mommy tells us to do. (Cut off another big chunk - be sure and do a lot of giggling). Keep cutting off for different things until there is one section left. This piece is for play time. But sometimes we have a thing called "worry" or "regret" and that keeps us from really enjoying our "play" time. I'm not sure son, but maybe that's what's happening with grandpa. What we have to do is help him by loving him anyway. That will help him and sometimes helping him is better than getting to play with him. Because every time we help someone, we are bigger than the biggest."

The important thing here is not that you are "correctly" analyzing grandpa. The important thing is that you are teaching your child to look beyond a person's actions and be understanding.

2. Find a heritage that your son can be proud of without the help of grandpa. Find something in grandpa's past or present that will make your son proud of him. In other words, create a bridge to love. Help your son see his grandparent in a different light. Don't let him center on what's happening today. Find some link that will help him see the man he was or the man he could be.

3. Find a connection that will build the relationship from grandpa's side.

For example, make a scrapbook of his hobbies or his time in the war. Let Winky give it to him and ask him to explain all the photographs. Be sure and include pictures of your children with grandpa at the end of the book.

Since Grandpa is forgetful about birthdays (and you don't want Winky hurt), tell Grandpa that you want to help him with the expense and shopping. You buy the gift but put grandpa's name on it. Perhaps once he sees the happy faces and hears the giggles and squeals, he will want to do it for himself. Maybe his own family is causing a financial strain and he forgets on purpose. If you help with this, he may be more than grateful - even if he doesn't say so. The other siblings could follow suit.

Make sure Winky continues to make little things for grandpa and remembers all of his birthdays etc.

Cultivate a relationship between Winky and grandpa's new stepchildren. The more involved Winky is with them the more time grandpa will be around.

In the book Common Sense Parenting, Kent & Barbara Hughes said this about heritage....

The reality is that all of us, of every generation, live in "dysfunctional" families, if perfection be the standard. We make mistakes; we sin against our children and they against us. Life is often (perhaps for most) unfair and cruel. Although we are not to blame for others' actions against us, we must assume responsibility for our own actions and failings. To focus on injustice is to provide a grim, corrosive heritage for the next generation.

They go on to state, "Families can prove highly skilled at nursing along a bitterness regarding some wrong suffered. Early on, each new child in the family discovers that Uncle Ted can't be mentioned without evoking a negative response: "He was the stingiest miser in Iowa." In reality, back in the 1940s, he refused to give a loan to his brother (your grandfather). But he also has a great sense of humor, takes his nephews fishing, and gives all the children their first piggy bank. Nevertheless, the bitter epithet is beyond erasure. Uncle Ted is condemned to be a "tightwad" in the family's eyes no matter what he does."

Forgiveness is the key to building family and enhancing our heritage.

They go on to tell a story about Barbara. She was 14 and was excited about graduation from Junior High. The Daughters of the American Revolution Award for citizenship was to be given to her and she was to address the graduates. Barbara elaborates on how beautiful the day was and how excited she was until.......

One of her girlfriends giggled and said, "There's a drunk man over there!" You guessed it....it was her Dad. How horrifying. At the age when even the smallest infraction scars for life, her Dad disgraced her moment of greatest achievement. She was totally humiliated. She goes on to tell how God helped her through the situation. She prayed through the entire ceremony and asked God to help her forgive. Her prayers even helped her at the close of the ceremony to take her father's hand and introduce him to her favorite teachers.

But the story doesn't end there. She goes on to say, "God's grace was adequate to help her and because of his forgiving mercy, her heritage did not sour. Common sense regarding forgiveness gives birth to an equally enriching twin: a positive attitude.

She tried to help her father but to no avail. He finally landed on skid row where he remained until he was diagnosed with advance emphysema. He returned home as an invalid and his family cared for him for 11 years before he died.

Barbara goes on to say that during that time her own children built wonderful memories of her father. Not because he was perfect, but because she was able to be positive about the good about her father. His humor, his chili, his fishing - even the way he gardened.


No one is perfect. Everyone has some bad trait in their lives. None of us are entirely good and none of us are entirely bad. There is some good in even the most difficult people around us. When those difficult people are family and we can't just "sever" the ties, it takes work - but we can find something good. Even if it's small - it's a start.

It's important that we teach our children that life isn't fair but if we know how to understand others we can find great pleasure in a multitude of relationships. It's either that or teach them to be suspicious of everyone and so sensitive about their own feelings that every relationship is difficult.

In their book, The Heritage, J. Otis Ledbetter and Kurt Bruner told of a couple that asked, " How can we give our kids (a solid home) something we've never received ourselves?"

Here's their answer....."If the cycle is going to be broken, it must start with you. Someone had to be first when we stormed the beaches of Normandy. They sacrificed themselves in order to secure victory. Theirs was not a glamorous role. But they were the true heroes of that battle. They made a sacred sacrifice for the sake of others. That is precisely what you must do for your children and future generations."

Wow! Both of these books are exactly right. There's not a person alive that doesn't look back on his childhood and recall some infraction, some problem, some humiliation. It is how we process that information, how we hold on to it and nurse it and filter it through our brains that counts.

I had a wonderful childhood, but there are certain wishes and wants that I could look back on and be angry about. Instead, I remember voices that encouraged me to understand, to forgive, to love and I am happy to say that when I view my childhood it is with joy.

Give your children the joy of God's love and understanding and their lives will be forever changed.

God loves you,

Debbie